Negative Self Talk or How Things Get Better

This is going to be a Rated R blog post.

Just a fair warning. It's not going to be rated R because there's going to be gratuitous nudity or violence. It's going to be rated R because of the language used. And, how all of this makes me feel.

I was doing my walk earlier today and I realized something. It's something that's been staring me in the face for the last couple of months and, like the man who couldn't see the forest for the trees, I couldn't see it.

What is it?

I have firmly planted my head so far up my ass I can wear said ass as a hat.

Yes, yes I have. I haven't been posting my stats on Facebook. I haven't been writing a blog post. I haven't been keeping up with my day planner or with my dry erase board. It would take me an hour or two to find where on Facebook my lasts stats post was, and looking at my archive on my blog I haven't posted since May 23^rd. That's way more than a month ago, and it hurts to see that.

So, yeah, here comes some self deprecation.

I don't know what in God's name has gone on with me. I don't fucking know. I was doing so damn good. I mean really, looking at the same blog archive I posted just about every fucking day for FOUR months. FOUR months!!!!

Why in god's name did that stop?

Why?

And, that's not even the tip of the ice berg. I'd been posting my stats on Facebook for way longer than that. Hell, I started posting my stats back in October. Or maybe earlier than that. I'm not sure. I'd really have to dig to find out. I remember celebrating every couple of weeks because I'd made it another little milestone for getting my goals done. Now, I don't even know who that person was, or where they went.

That's what it's all about too. You see, back then I was making progress. I was moving forward. Every step I took, every day I walked and followed through with The Goal That Shall Not Be Named, every day I wrote a blog post, I felt like I was winning. I felt like I was moving forward. And, it hasn't been like that recently.

It hasn't been like that for almost two months now.

I've been regressing. I've come to the point where I do the walk and my goal each day because I feel like I “have” too. Not because I want too. I don't post my stats (and for the last few days I haven't even kept track of my stats), because that thing in me that was proud of them seems to have died. I could even take it so far as to say that I don't know where any of this is coming from. But, that would be a lie.

All of this has a name, all of what I've been going through recently, this regression, has a name. It's called negative self talk.

25 Labels In Your Negative Self-Talk
Evelyn

Everybody talks to themselves, don't deny it. There's no use in denying it. This self talk is the way we interpret the world and how our brains work out the details of every little thing.

Negative self talk is the inability to look at things logically... after a fashion.

“That person flipped me off as they drove by me. That must mean I'm a terrible person.”

“She's depressed because I couldn't make her smile.”

“I'm fat. I shouldn't be fat. I should be skinny. I've failed at life.”

Those are kind of out there examples, but that's pretty much right on the mark. I know I've thought some of those things at one point or another. And, I think I know what's happening with my goals each day.

“I can't walk today because I'm tired and I never have time.”

“I can't write a blog post today, because I didn't write one yesterday.”

“I can't post my stats because it's after 7.”

“I'm a terrible person because I don't have any drive to move forward.”

“I'm miserable, and that's all I'll ever be. I'll never be any better than a grunt worker at a fast food chain. That's what my life has come down too. I'm 28, I have a bachelor's degree, and I flip burgers for a living. I'm worthless.”

There's a trap in there too. You see, it's easy to be miserable. You don't have to put forth any effort at all to keep living in the drudgery you create by your own inactivity. And, then you look at people around you. People who are successful and enjoying their lives, and you hate them. You hate them because you think why are they happy and I'm not. What are they doing that I'm not? They're trying... They're trying to make their lives better. And, that's more work than any miserable person ever wants to do.

It's easy to be miserable.

I want to break that. I want to stop this negative self talk. I want to TRY again. I want to get out there and be proud of the three miles I walked today. I want to be proud that I've been keeping up with The Goal That Shall Not Be Named for almost a year now. I want to enjoy writing my blog posts, and I want to be happy. More than anything I want to be happy.

I know what I need to do to be happy. I need to try. I need to step out the door and kick my feet, get my ass moving forward. It's a long road from here to there, but it's not the destination that matters. It's the journey, it's the journey and it's the knowledge that you tried along the way. You TRIED to make it to the other end of the road. And, if you have that attitude... you WILL make it to the other end of the road. You WILL succeed, and you WILL be happy.

Phil Williams
Wiki Commons

I just need to start trying again.

I just need to start trying again.

So, here and now I make this proclamation:

TODAY, RIGHT NOW, I CHOOSE TO MOVE FORWARD. I CHOOSE TO STEP AWAY FROM THE BED OF MISERY I'VE MADE FOR MYSELF. TODAY, I CHOOSE TO MOVE FORWARD, AND THINGS WILL GET BETTER. THINGS WILL GET BETTER.

Stephen King

First off, if there is a god of literature somewhere out in the cosmos his name is Stephen King, if that’s any indication of what I think of the man. Lol.

Yes, Stephen King is one of my top three favorite writers, and without a doubt he is the best, stylistically speaking, of the three. The stories he weaves with his web of words are above and beyond anything I’ve ever seen. I can only hope to be nearly as good as he is.

And, now, to get my nose out of his crack, I should try and find something new to say about the man.

He’s one of the most prolific authors of our time, publishing at least one book a year every year since Carrie was published in 1974. 1974 was the same year Dungeons and Dragons was first introduced to the world, and both D&D and Carrie are now forty years old. Well… technically, Carrie won’t hit the big four-o until April 5^th. Exactly one month away from the time of this writing.

At one point I had hoped and prayed that my writing career would mirror Stephen King’s. I had hoped to be published the year I turned 24 (King’s age when Carrie sold), and I’ve hoped to be published every year since then. I’ve not really done a lot of work in that direction though. I mean, I’ve got six novels written (first draft at least), but I’ve only got one to the point where I considered it finished. And, I stopped trying to sell that one some time ago.

That’s really my problem too. The reason that I haven’t succeeded thus far is because I haven’t tried. (That’s usually a good reason for not succeeding.) But, in all seriousness I gave it a half hearted attempt what feels like ages ago, and I’ve talked a big game since then. How I’m going to do this, and I’m going to do that, but I’ve put no effort behind it.

I think I’m scared.

I really do.

I think I’m afraid of putting myself out there and finding out that nobody likes it. And, worse, that people will say bad things about it.

I know that’s a damned stupid thing to be afraid of. Everybody has an opinion, and that opinion isn’t always going to agree with what I’m thinking. So, basically, being afraid of hearing other people’s opinions is kind of like not eating because you’re afraid of choking. I saw that on a meme somewhere. Jason David Frank’s facebook page I believe, but where I found it doesn’t matter. I should listen to it. I should stop being afraid of these things and move on with my life. At the rate I’m going I’ll never have the career I want.

So… yeah… That post didn’t go anywhere near where I thought it would go.

As for working Stephen King into my game I have a couple of options. I can use him as an NPC (lol). I could possibly work one of his monsters into an adventure maybe even having it be the primary antagonist (“We all float down here, Georgie. And, when you’re down here, you’ll float too!”). And, then there’s the simplest way to do it. I can use him as an inspiration to move both my life forward and take my Dungeons and Dragons game one or two steps down a much more terrifying flight of stairs.

Ryan

3-5-14

Pirates

For reasons undisclosed, as they would sound like excuses, I’ve not been posting on my blog because I’ve not been getting the posts written. In fact, the topic I was given for this post was given to me on Saturday. So, yes, I’m quite behind. To try and make up for that fact I’m going to post twice today: once with this topic, and once with my topic from yesterday.

Blah.

Anywho, the topic of the day is pirates. Captain Jack Sparrow, Captain James Hook, Captain Killian Jones, Edward Teach, and Bluebeard, all of these are famous pirates. (Killian Jones is Once Upon a Time’s version of Captain Hook, I think.) And, most of them, I believe, are fictional. I know Edward Teach (Blackbeard) was a factual pirate, and I think Bluebeard might be real, but I have no idea on that part. But, what I’m really trying to get at is how those individuals have become more than the sum of their parts. They’re famous. They’re sex symbols. They make all the ladies swoon and all the men cheer. And, why is it that they do that? They used to be villains in the stories that featured them. The scum and villainy of the seas.

Why did all that change?

I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure some of it has to do with pop culture. Slowly, society has moved away from the Knight in Shining Armor and things have drifted over to the antihero. Who has more fans Batman or Superman? My guess (even though I’m a Superman fan boy) would be Batman. He has that edge o barely controlled darkness hanging about him. It’s a total sense and sensation that he could erupt at anytime. It’s something that appeals to people in this day and age, because it’s relatable.

How many of you have been so angry all you wanted to do was punch a small child in the face (figuratively speaking of course)? I know I have. I know that anger has simmered beneath my skin, boiling my blood and I can see that same anger cut into the lines on the Dark Knight’s face. I know that he’s just like me, and he takes it a step beyond. He takes that anger and uses it as a tool.

Pirates are a similar sort of antihero, though it’s not always anger that connects us to them. I believe it’s a true idea of freedom that draws us to them. What do pirates do? Whatever the hell they want to do. If they see something they want they take it. If they want to get wasted and stay wasted 24/7 they do it. If they want to… yeah, the list could go on for a while. Basically, pirates have the freedom that we’re denied by the laws and boundaries of our society. We seek these fictional characters out because we want to live our lives vicariously through them. It’s a type of escapism that we crave, and one that almost every type of fiction provides. And, that escapism and lust for a vicarious life has followed us all the way through the ages.

At this point I could give examples, but I kind of already have. I listed off the pirates. I mentioned Batman and Superman. And, now I guess I’ll mention mythology.

Myths and legends of ancient cultures pretty much defined escapism. The Greeks lived through the glories of the Trojan War alongside Achilles. The Visigoths and the Vikings changed Beowulf as they marched into battle. (Probably not, but it’s a neat thought, lol.) And, always have there been stories told to children. They have the most imagination, and the most incredible escapist ability ever. They imagine everything from pirates like Captain Jack Sparrow, to the Kraken, and to things that would utterly terrify adults.

That feels like a good place to end this post. But, I normally talk about how the topic of the post relates to my gaming world. And, I will do that, just not in this post. Lol.

Now, go pop Pirates of the Caribbean into the DVD player, and have a blast living as Captain Jack Sparrow for two and a half hours.

Later kids.

Ryan

2-17-14

PS: I feel the need to point out two things.

1      1.)      I have never, and will never harm a child; it’s just a phrase I use to show my frustration.

2      2.)      I can’t remember what else I was going to say…

Cosplay

My mind is shorting out, and it’s been doing this all day. I mean really, I should have had my blog post and my stats posted long ago. I know it’s only 8:30 pm (I know it will be morning by the time you read this) [it also seems to be three days later], but still. I have a schedule; I need to keep to it. Scheduling and organization are what sets us as human beings up above baser animals. Yeah, really no idea what I’m talking about. I’ve just been feeling blah today. I haven’t really wanted to do anything more strenuous than stare at a computer screen.

I think I’m going to start scheduling Friday as a lazy day. Everybody needs a day where they can just let go of everything. It’s like in a diet. You’ve got to have a f*** it day. If you don’t then your will power is going to erode and erode and erode until you break down. And, when that ship comes crashing down it’s so much harder to get it up and moving again. I know that from experience, not when it comes to dieting though I don’t like diets.

But, there’s way off the point. It’s almost gotten to the point where I circumnavigated the globe from what my topic for the day is going to be. Though, I guess willpower is in some way associated with this particular hobby.

Trying to move back towards the title, Cupcake gave me the topic of cosplay, and at the time I had no idea what I was going to write about it. (She gave me the topic three-ish hours ago.) And, now, I still have very little idea as to what I’m going to say.

I don’t actually know that much about cosplay. I know it’s a hobby (which is more and more becoming a profession for some) in which people make and model costumes for contests at conventions. Anime, games, minecraft, dungeons and dragons, whatever the topic of the convention is people wil come in costumes associated with that topic. And, sometimes you see some weird stuff.

I remember one meme where a KFC version of Cloud is facing off with a Ronald McDonald looking Sephioth. It was strange, but it made a killer picture. And, I’d say a hundred or more people got their picture taken with that pair. I would have. And, I just have to wonder if that was intentional. Really, what are the odds of it happening randomly? One in nine billion? One in nine trillion I don’t know, but I wish I had that idea.

Don't know what the origin of this pic is. If anybody knows, message me,
so I can put a proper attribution.

Other things I know about cosplay… it takes a lot of time and hard work to put your costume together, or about four hours using old garden hose, paper mache, and a blow drier.

My Cupcake did a cosplay over the summer at Tsubasacon, a small anime convention up in Huntington. She went as a Big Sister from Bioshock 2. She did really well with it, even if it was a halfway last minute thing. Lol.

My wifey and her little sister. I don't know who took the photo.

And, what’s neat, if she’d taken pictures of them putting it together she’d have won a thousand dollar grand prize for it being a handmade costume. I really wish they’d taken pictures of it was it was getting put together. I should have thought of it.

Meh.

I want a thousand dollars.

I want to coplay now. Lol.

I’ll go as Drizzt Do’Urden and be the most badass dark elf ever. Now… I just need to learn how to make leather armor.

Is not me. All credit goes to farmer-bootoshysa
check his stuff out on deviant art
farmer-bootoshysa

Anywho, that’s enough from me. Later kids.

Ryan

1-31-14

Cupcakes

I got another topic from Mel for today. I like it that way, personally. I find it rather entertaining. Not that I’m not coming up with my own topics, but rather not being able to prepare anything for the topic before I name it. Cupcake gives me the subject, and I get to writing. In a way it’s easier to write like that.

And, for today’s topic Mel might as well have asked me who my favorite superhero is.

There’s only one idea, one image that pops into my head when I hear the word cupcake. It’s not a picture of a little pastry with too much icing on top. No, it’s a picture of my beautiful wife.

I forget when I started calling her Cupcake and I forget why, but it’s stuck with me forever after. She’ll always be my Cupcake. As for answering the “who’s my favorite superhero” question, she’s the answer to that. Cupcake is my favorite superhero. No comic book character ever has held a candle to her might.

She’s my shoulder to cry on.

My flashlight in the dark.

She’s the strength that keeps me standing.

I can honestly say that I’m still drawing breath today because of her.

Something broke inside me, and she’s helping put the pieces back together, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to repay her for that. I can’t even begin to articulate what she means to me. It’s too much for words, for drawing, too much for any form of art to describe. The closest I could to it is her being my favorite superhero.

If I could (drawing is on my list of things to learn how to do) I would draw a picture of her. In it she’d be standing up on a building ledge, in a purple one piece… Okay, more along the lines of what Black Widow was wearing in The Avengers, but she’d have a little symbol over her heart. In it would be a cupcake, with purple frosting instead of pink, she doesn’t like the color pink, and it would have a little cherry on top of it. It would be a yellow background, a kind of pastel yellow, not the same kind of yellow Robin uses in his symbol. On the back of her jacket the symbol would be repeated, only a lot larger. And, it would have writing around it:

Cupcake came to town to kick your ass.

And, she wouldn’t be wearing a mask. Why? Because she doesn’t need one, and masks don’t fit her personality at all, with her everything is right out in the open. And, she’s a Hatfield; she doesn’t get mad… just even.

She’d also be a walking armory, what with all the knives and daggers and throwing starts, but there would be no guns. Just like her attitude towards pink, my Cupcake doesn’t like guns.

Crossbows are a completely different story, however.

A little target practice with one, and she’d give Darrell of The Walking Dead a run for his money, at least according to her dice rolls.

Anyway, yes, I need to learn how to draw and I need to learn how to code. Both of them take time and practice, and I’m impatient… Damnit.

Bah.

I’ll talk to you kids later.

Ryan

1-30-14

PS: Cupcake, I love you!!!

Yarn

So, earlier today, I sat down to write my blog post. It was a post about yarn. Well, it was supposed to be a post about yarn. What it turned into is not something I want to go through again. So, we’ll go back to the original topic.

Yarn. What is it?

Google defines Yarn in two ways. First it says that yarn is a spun thread that is used in knitting, weaving, or sewing. And, second it describes yarn as a long or rambling implausible story. I agree with both statements.

In a way, I’ve been obsessed with yarn for the last few years. While I was still in college, (taking weaving classes at the time, I believe) I came up with the idea of working with yarn professionally. Basically running my own little internet store, where people could come and commission different types of yarn based products (so long as they didn’t involve knitting) and I would satisfy that commission to the best of my ability. I’m actually rather good at crocheting, and I can weave some… though it’s been a long time. And, it’s still something I think about doing.

Just a fun little on the side business where I make blue and black scarves for Mingo Central’s football games for just a tiny bit of profit. Or do a series of blankets/afghans/something big and sell them on ebay or what not. But, I’ve never done that. I think it’s because I’m not that dedicated to the idea of the yarn business. It’s just not something I see putting my whole life into.

But, in a way it is.

I want to write stories for a living. I want to look into my dreams and show the people the magic that hides right behind the clouds on the bright sunshiny day. I want to show them the terror in the bent broken tree with its shadow crawling across the courtyard… getting ever closer to your shoe… I wonder what would happen… (I just got chills. lol) And, now I want to keep going with that idea. Lol.

I want to write yarns. I want my stories, as improbable as they might be, I want to see them spread far and wide. I do want to dedicate my life to yarn. And, I guess today is as good a day as any to do it.

For the last 8 years my New Year’s Resolution has been the same thing. I want to get a book published. I want to get a book published. I want to get a book published. I’m going to stop wanting this year. I’m going to stop failing at that one little resolution. I’m going to be a published author by the end of 2014 if it kills me. I might not be making my money living off of what I write, but I’ll be damned if I’m not going to supplement my income in just that fashion.

And, this still isn’t the fun, lighthearted post I wanted it to be. It’s serious, and it’s one of those breaking point moments. They’ve come this far and no farther, and all that hubbub. (I think that’s from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers… it might also be 300… not sure which.) The point I’m trying to make though, is that I am admitting I have a problem. I am not a published author. I want to be a published author. And, today is the day where I finally dedicate myself towards pushing for that goal. Today I shall stand in front of the great beast and cry YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!

I hope some of Mel’s students are reading this. Because that’s exactly what she says about you :P Lol. Just kidding. She loves ya just as much as she loves me… and that’s saying something because I go out of my way to annoy the crap out of her.

My brain got lost somewhere in there. But, yes. This is a public declaration of my goals. My goal for the year of 2014, become a published author. I would like to say that’s my goal for the next three months, but I think it’s going to take a wee bit longer than that to get my book ready to go. So, I’ll start work on it as soon as I get off work tomorrow, and you’ll get a daily update of when it’s going to be ready. J

And… now I have to remind you that I’m also writing a D&D adventure, and that might take some precedence, since the group expects me to have new stuff for them to do every week. But, I will dedicate some of my time to my novel. I promise.

On that note, I’m going to say anywho, because I don’t think I used it anywhere else in the post, and I’m going to let you all go for the day.

Later kids.

Ryan

1-25-14

Random Topic #1

I don’t know what it is. Lol.

Today is one of those days where I need Mel’s brain to pick things out for me. But, she’s not here today. They cancelled school, but had a Code W (in Mingo County it’s a Code W, I don’t know what it is elsewhere) which means students aren’t going to be there, but teachers have to report. And, I don’t get it. Teachers are paid to teach, if there are no students there why do the teachers need to be there. It’s like having a full staff at McDonalds, but the stores closed and there’s not a customer in sight. It just doesn’t make sense. I dunno, it’s probably got something to do with them being on salary or some shit like that.

Also, my walk for the day was screwed up because of the Code W. Normally, I do laps around the elementary school, which is right beside my house. I do my laps when nobody’s there. Because of the Code W there were people there. Grump.

So, I had to take another route, which screwed with my normal shebang and messed up my pedometer reading because of all the snow I had to trudge through. I really need to start getting up early enough to get the mud room warmed up. Then I can use the treadmill for my walk. And, at the very least I could just do laps in there. I dunno.

And, now I’m running out of things to talk about. My brain and I aren’t getting along well at the moment.

Usually, by this point I’ve managed to find a way to include some Dungeons and Dragons reference in the post. Or I’ll swing the post around to being about D&D altogether, and I think we’re going to go that direction today too. But, we’re going to throw a little Minecraft in there as well.

I’m lazy, and I’ve been trying to figure out what my world looks like. I’ve looked online for map making software, specifically for gaming purposes, but most of it was expensive and I’m not sure if it was for gaming or not. So, I had no luck there.

Then I started playing Minecraft, and I realized that Minecraft is pretty much a random map generator. There are also addons/mods/whatever that give you a world map. I used Amidst, and I think I’ve got a pretty good idea of what my world looks like now.

Now, I’m just trying to figure out how the stories I’ve made up thus far and their locations fit in with the map. I’m not sure yet, but I’ll figure it out. I know that the world spawn is going to be the location of the world’s largest city, Priasez. And, I’ve more or less picked out a location for the current city the PCs are in (Netheretia). I’ve even gone so far as to “clear” out a space to build this particular city.

Netheretia is a city situated in the Underhaven (underground) which is why the hole goes so deep. That and I really like blowing things up. Though clearing out all the left over bits and pieces is hard; that and cleaning up the lava and other things. It’s time consuming… (And, the destruction pictured above is much more widespread then what the screen capture encompasses.)

Which is something I dislike. I’m lazy and I’m impatient. I don’t want to worry about all this clean up, I want my city done now! I don’t even want to build it myself. I want it to appear all on its own. Though that’s probably about as likely as a million dollars suddenly materializing in my bank account.

Anywho, that’s more than enough out of me. Later kids.

Ryan

1-24-14

As Time Goes By

In the last two days I’ve managed to forget my blog post each day L So, now I’ve had a major drop in views and the people who usually read my blog are upset. Probably not really, but I’m going to think that anyway. As negative as it might be.

But, I’m working on things, trying to push forward and not let the days I’ve stumbled clutter my mind and drag me down. I’m only human, I make mistakes the same as everybody else. What gets me though is how I dwell on those mistakes, and inflate them to great sizes. I give them more importance than they should have, and it weighs me down.

It makes me miserable.

And, misery is easy. Misery is the lazy way of life, the acceptance of mediocrity, and the denial of the fruits of our true labors and passions. Misery is easy because you don’t have to change.

Even now my mind is fighting against that word. It’s afraid of that word and so am I. Change means so many things. Making sure you change your underwear is the least of it. Change means success and failure. Change means pain and misery of a different variety, but if you strive through it and push hard enough you can break through that misery. You can improve.

I need to change, and I’ve been trying to change bit by bit. I’ve needed to change for a long while now and all the bits and pieces of that realization are falling together. I was even talking to one of my friends today about having to change the way she thinks so that she becomes good at math. I told her she needs to make that decision and find the way to follow through with it until she’s found her way out the other side; when she’s over to the point where math is easy.

I need to practice what I’ve been preaching.

For some reason all that sounds extremely negative, and I’ve managed to depress myself by writing it. That wasn’t my intention. I really promise that it wasn’t. I wanted to find the good in it, the thread of it that I can take and apply to my life to help clean up the mess I’ve made.

There was a Macklemore & Ryan Lewis song, I believe, that’s either about movies or books, but either way it’s talking about something one must do with both. They talk about how your whole life is this book/movie and that there’s only one person that has the ability to edit that work. I am the only person that can edit my story. You’re the only person that can edit your story. So on and so forth. The point is, again, that there’s only one place change can come from. (After driving around for a little while my mp3 player played this song. It is “Life is Cinema” and it’s comparing life to a movie. Just thought I’d throw that out there.)

And, I’m not saying that other people can’t help. There are hordes of people that can help. There’s even a series of careers based solely on that idea of helping somebody change. You are the only person who can institute change, but others can help instigate it, or show you the many paths you have to choose from, and they can show you the tools you can use to make that change.

In other words, therapists are awesome. You should go and get one right now.

Everybody needs to change. Remaining static is akin to dying. And, there’s one phrase I’m looking for right now. A common cliché I believe. Shit or get off the pot. Yeah, that’s it. Shit or get off the pot. Do something different with your life. Don’t just sit there. Embrace change.

Ryan

Instruments of Torture

This would be so much more fun if I was actually talking about medieval torture devices. But, I’m not. Instead I’m going to bitch about the way my head works.

It’s 10 or 11 pm right now, it’s been a little while since I looked at a clock, and once again this is the time of day I decide to start writing my blog and possibly working on my adventure, depending  on my level of consciousness. Now with getting this done, I’ve had all day. All day! I had from 8 am, shortly before actually, when I got up till whatever time it is right now to work on my things to do. And, I did get some of them marked out. I added laundry and littler to the list (and trash, which I will rush and do when I get done writing this), and I got those marked off. I got my walk marked off by five o’clock, and The Goal That Shall Not Be Named was done by nine o’clock. And, once again, I didn’t post my stats.

Great God Almighty!

I’m frustrated with this. Very, very frustrated. I mean I don’t get it. What I want to do is simple, and done in a simple pattern.

1. Walk
2. The Goal That Shall Not Be Named
3. Blog
4. Stats
5. Whatever else there is to do

I want to do them one right after the other. Mark them off the board just as fast as I can, but it hasn’t worked like that. And, I don’t know why!

Sorry, I’m letting this crap control me right now, but I don’t know what else to do. I need to vent just as much as anybody else. And, I need to learn to stay away from the computer. Lol. I’m not blaming the computer. The computer is an inanimate object, and the only thing it can do is enable my brain’s desire to screw up what I want to get done.

Blargh!!!

I don’t know.

I need to put a wall clock in here, something easy to look at so I don’t have to get up to look at the computer. I also need to put my planner in a more predominate location, that way seeing it should act as a reminder of the things I’ve got to do. That’s the thought anyway. It was the thought behind the dry erase board, but they both feel like bad decisions now. I must add them to the list of things that depress me.

Good Lord Almighty!

Anyway, I’m going to stop putting you through this right now. And, I swear, I will soon have a list of random topics that will have nothing to do with my bitch fit. Although, I can’t guarantee that the bitch fits won’t spill over into my blog posts.

Anywho… later taters.

Ryan

PS: There will be a second post today, coming out not long after this one. It’s my stats for the last week or so. I don’t want to post all that in my status on facebook. So, yeah, it’ll be here.

Procrastination

It’s going on midnight as I’m writing this. My eyelids are drooping from my sleep meds and I’m wondering why didn’t I do this earlier?

Is it because I’m lazy, and can’t operate under any sort of situation unless it’s the last few minutes of work time? You know, crunch time, when shit gets real and college kids wet themselves because finals have rolled around and they’re not ready. Yeah, I wonder if that’s the answer…

Or could it be that procrastination is a new art form, and I’m some sort of Mozart? My genius shows in everything I don’t do…

Yeah, I’d like to say neither. I really don’t want it to be the first option, but recently that feels like it’s become the norm. I mean for the last three or four game sessions I’ve never had my work materials ready. I didn’t have anything written for the game and didn’t write anything until about an hour before hand. I told Mel that if I was getting paid to do this I’d be out of a job.

Yes, that’s negative, but it’s the God’s honest truth. And, to take it one step further (going borderline self-deprecating) I dropped the ball last week. I meant to put in the time to get articles written and posted on a few revenue sharing websites. Maybe even seek out a couple of articles I could have written for a magazine or some such thing; a little review or something maybe. I don’t know, just something to put money in our pockets.

I didn’t get anything like that done. Not entirely true, I got one article done for HubPages, and I think it’s got sixteen view since I posted it. (Creepy update: my article had exactly 16 views when I checked it right after writing this article…) Yeah, that’s really making me a lot of money.

And, now I’ve stepped off the cliff into full on self-deprecating mode. I don’t want to do this. There’s no reason to beat myself up. There’s nothing positive to it.

What I need to do now is look for the positive in the things I’ve done. I’ve procrastinated, yes, but what did get written was still good material, it was still proof that I can do this. As for the articles… oh well, I missed the opportunity, but I can see it coming around again. The websites I’m looking at haven’t dropped off the face of the internet, so if I feel the need too I can write all those articles this week.

How does this relate to procrastination? It’s all part of learning a lesson about how I should look at what’s going on and manage my time so that I get the things I need to do done. It teaches me I need a little more focus.

Some of those might sound negative. I don’t see them that way, though. I see them as positive lessons pushing me a little bit closer to the day when I’ve got my shit straightened out.

And, being able to look at it like this is another step in that direction. All I can say now is I will do better tomorrow.

And… I’m going to bed.

Sleep is good.

Ryan