I dunno.

Cupcake has had a hell of a rough week, and I’ve tried to stand by her as best I can. She lost her uncle on Monday, his wake was today, and his funeral is tomorrow, and it’s going to be rough. I know if I was in her shoes I would have broken down. But, she is so damn strong. So damn strong. I’m pretty sure one of my posts on here even goes to pointing out that she’s my hero, my favorite superhero, and the best damn thing that’s ever happened to me. So tonight, when she took a little longer than usual to answer my topic question, I asked if she wanted me to come up with one. She said yes. And, now, I have no idea what I’m going to talk about. Lol.

I could talk more about cupcake, but like I said, she’s the strong one in the relationship, and if I even tried to talk about the hurt she’s had to go through this week then I wouldn’t be able to type because of the tears. So, we’ll talk about something else.

A friend of mine, one of my Dungeon Crawlers, posted this chart on my facebook wall today. Now, I normally don’t pay attention to any of that. I might glance and see what it is, then forget it, but this one stuck out to me. Lol. I don’t know why. Anyway, my steampunk name turned out to be Lord Montague Septimus Wraithbottom, and looking at it now, I realized I did it wrong, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Lord Montague Septimus Wraithbottom, I love that name lol. I might take bottom out, but I’m definitely going to be using it somewhere. I’ve been looking for a name to attach to the lich I’ve got hanging around in Netheretia. I even got my Dungeon Crawlers to get their steampunk names (some of them have complied anyway, lol), and I plan on putting those to use as well. I’ll just have to see where things go, and what NPCs need names and how important they’re going to be when it comes to the story.

I dunno.

Another entertaining thing I thought about doing would be making Dungeons and Dragons version of Marvel and DC superheroes. The one that stands out the most for me right now, is Iron Man, probably because I see him as the easiest to translate. He would be the Iron Mage, a battle mage with levels in fighter, wizard, and technomancy wearing awesome ass full plate armor that might as well be a golem. I could take it even further though, and say he’s a clocknomancer. That’s not much different than a technomacer really, just my term for a tinker in my particular campaign setting. It’s a class that still needs to be built, but I believe it’s going to be a prestige class that would require the successful construction of a golem (an iron golem in particular) and the successful summoning of one of the Inevitables.

As you can see from the picture above, the Inevitables are a race of clockwork outsiders. So, to be a clocknomancer it would make sense for you to be study from the master craftsmanship of a race that is totally made up of what you want to construct. Or something like that.

I dunno.

I guess I’m just going to call it quits for the night. There’s going to be a lot to do tomorrow, and none of it’s going to be fun. So, keep me and cupcake in your thoughts and prayers. We really need some good juju sent our way.

Ryan

3-6-14

Vampires

If you’re new to the blog, there are a couple of things you should know. First, I don’t come up with my own topics, my wife, Cupcake/Melanie, gives me a topic and I write about it. Second, I kind of make a little game out of it where I try to find a way to work the topic into upcoming installments of my Dungeons and Dragons game. My wife plays in my game as one of the player characters… so, you’d think she’d think of fun fluffy topics like princesses and ponies, but no, she gave me vampires instead.

Vampires are a staple in paranormal fiction (not just horror anymore) and I have to admit they’re probably my second favorite fictional creature (the first being dragons), so I feel like I’m pretty up to speed on how the whole vampire thing works.

Vampires, first and foremost, are bad guys. In the folk tales that gave them life they were villains, and when Bram Stoker penned Dracula he turned the vampire into an archetypal villain. Simply put, the vampire (and Count Dracula in particular) have been copied over and over and over again in all forms of media. They’ve been in books (duh), movies, comic books, paintings, songs, they’ve crossed genres and have been in space and became the centerpiece of the paranormal romance fiction. But, they’ve never really lost that edge, that “I am the bad guy” feeling. Hell, even Stephanie Meyer tried to convey that feeling in the Twilight books. (I don’t have a lot of positive things to say about those books, but her treatment of vampires as villains—James, Aro, Jane—is one of those positive things.)

So, when it comes to working vampires into my Dungeons and Dragons game that’s not a problem at all. I can see my world filled with these monsters that stalk the night, and beyond that there have already been vampires in my game.

Well…

Not in this game in particular, but there was in the last game. Though, it was a half-vampire/dhampire (whatever you want to cal it), and the PCs never came across it. I put the monster (a rogue and assassin named Guildenstern) in the game for later on in the campaign. He ran the mortuary in New Windhaven  (the starting town for the last game) and was going to become a recurring antagonist when the PCs hit level ten or so.

I was going to have it that he was hired to attack the PCs. I don’t remember what it was I had him hired to do besides playing antagonist, but it’s really not important now.

Life happens, things change, and for reasons I won’t mention we’re not playing that campaign anymore. But, I will keep in mind. Maybe our current PCs will piss some powerful lord off, and they’ll have a monstrous half-vampire knocking on their door in the middle of the night.

Anywho, I’m checking out for the night. Later kids.

Ryan

2-12-14

Blue

The color blue.

The sky is blue.

Psychologically speaking, blue is a relaxing calming color. But, the phrase “why so blue?” implies depression.

Melanie’s school colors are blue and black (a kind of sky blue) and I wouldn’t be surprised if the football players were black and blue after game.

My head isn’t screwed on straight today. But, I like the little tilt to my view. It makes life seem just a little bit better. It makes the weight on my back just little lighter. And, to be frank, if that screw ever went in straight, I wouldn’t be half the fun I am now. Lol. J

As for other things; Happy Birthday to Dungeons and Dragons, if I had realized this little fact yesterday, I would have set the game date for today. It would have made things a little bit more fun, and I’m sorry to say that Bob Shreve wouldn’t be here to play with us today. I betcha he’s rolling 20s up in heaven, playing  game DMed by J. R. R. Tolkien, and sitting right next to Gary Gygax. I miss you Bob.

But, that topic’s getting a little too blue for me, so we’ll try to find something else to chat about.

I want to write poem, but I’m very bad at that. Though, I wonder if it’s bad that I tried to turn that last sentence into the beginning of a sonnet (the only poem I really understand how to write). I would have gone on with it too, but I couldn’t think of a word that rhymes with poem. And, now I believe I’m going to go mad if I don’t think of something.

Hold on…

Google!

So, I found bunch of words that rhyme with poem. And, the strange thing is, words that I didn’t think would rhyme with I are considered rhymes. I don’t know though.

And, now my minds churning again, wanting to write that poem more and more. Hmm.

I want to write a poem

But, I’m very bad at that

It’s not often I carry a totem

But, then I really love my cat.

Today’s subject was the color blue

I didn’t know what to write about

So, my wife gave me little clue

Now I can speak my mind in a great loud shout!

I don’t do poetry very often

If you can’t tell from the random lines

That’s not something I want engraved on my coffin

I’d rather show it in my vines

Now my poems at an end

And, from now on I’ll call you friend.

Yeah, I’m definitely not cut out to be a poet. I think I shall gladly stick with my long form prose. I can write that out a little loudly.

I couldn’t help myself. Lol.

Anywho, I shall talk to you kids later.

Ryan

1-26-14

Days and Days

Today’s been one of those days that’s been both good and bad.

We got the insurance money in yesterday, and I put it in the account today, though due to bank procedures they’ve got a two day hold on it. A two day business hold on it. I’m not going to have access to it until Wednesday. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps me from spending it that much faster, and it gives us time to look at where we need to spend it. The down payment on the Focus is the major thing, then there’s the insurance and other bills. Yesterday I had a spell of depression, because I realized I wouldn’t get to spend it on the things I wanted too.

I feel stupid for that crap today. I’m an adult now and I need to act like one. There’s a difference between wants and needs. And, I can’t help it that I need a terabyte hard drive for my computer. And, I can’t help it that I need a sound card for my computer… And, yeah, you’re not buying this are you? Great. Nobody’s on my side. Lol.

Yes, I am joking. I’ve been told people can’t tell before… so, I’m not sure if I can get that across in my writing or not.

Now, I’m feeling self conscious.

Too move on, we’ll talk about the bad part of the day.

First, I had to work… that’s always a bad thing. Lol.

And, today makes one month since my good friend Bob Shreve passed from this world and into the next. I would have a moment of silence, but seeing as this is a text medium, I don’t think the point would go across very well. So, instead I will wish him a peaceful rest and tell him that he is very missed. Very missed.

Bob was an inspiration to me though. He taught me about play testing for Dungeons and Dragons. I don’t mean what editors and writers of the game call the first few run through(s) with different test players, audience, focus groups, I don’t know what word to use here. The play testing he taught me about was a number crunching game; the DM running the PCs stats against the monsters stats to determine the most likely outcome of the encounter.

It’s a wonderful tool.

 But, I’ll tell you what… I’m too lazy to do that. Lol. I’d rather have a computer program do it for me.

I looked for a program like that, but I didn’t find one. And, I made a decision then. I’m going to learn how to code, and I’m going to write a program that does exactly what I just said. Then I’m going to make it a smartphone app, and I’m going to sell it. And, two-thirds of every cent that app makes is going to go to Bob Shreve’s family and to his church. He can’t be there to support them, so I’m going to try and help out, even if it’s just that tiny amount. I’m going to try to help.

Now, I just need to learn how to code.

That will probably be easier to do when I don’t have tears running down my cheeks.

So, yeah…

I’m going to go now…

Ryan

The Last Goodbye

I’ve got a new car now. A Ford Focus that I like a great deal more than I thought I was going too. I got it a few days ago, on Tuesday I believe it was, and I thought of a really good post for the blog that I meant to write… on Tuesday. It’s a bit late.

Anyway…

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my old car, on Tuesday I did anyway. Tuesday was the day it became real for me. I’d been without my Malibu for close to a month at that point, but I still hadn’t given in to the fact that I’d never drive it again. That I’d never even sit in it again. Tuesday it became real for me.

We were sitting in the dealership, waiting for the finance guy to fill out the paperwork, and I sat looking at the Focus. I could feel things falling into place then and a great depression washed up over me.

My car is gone… was the only thing I could think. My chest gave out and my lungs gave way and I almost cried right then. My car was gone, it had been smeared across a guardrail and it had already been sold for scrap. I would never sit in it again. I’d never drive it and listen to the nice little rumble the engine had. I’d never get to think about putting projector headlights on it, or a twin turbo, or dual exhaust. I’d never get to do a lot of things, thinking about my car again, and I cracked just a little, like I’m cracking right now writing about it.

I remember two or three days before we went to get the Focus. Mel and Erik were arguing about the Focus and the Eclipse (the Eclipse was the other car we were looking at, but it had a problem or two), and I came up with something off the wall. Something about getting a Silverado or an Avalanche, you know, something I couldn’t afford in the first place, let alone afford to gas up. One of them said “We’re being serious here.” and that hit me wrong. I snapped at that point and said something along the lines of “If we’re being serious here, I don’t want the Focus, I don’t want the Eclipse, I want My fucking car.”

That was the end of the argument. I stormed off to brood somewhere else, and they got really quiet, and I kept that attitude for the longest time. Even when we went to get the Focus I went with that attitude.

I didn’t want to like the Focus. I still don’t want to like the Focus, but I know I can’t turn the hands of time back. I can’t go back before I hit that guardrail to change my mind about what street I should take. I can’t go back in time to save my car. I’m short on DeLoreans, and the Tardis is in the shop. Yeah, I can’t go back.

It makes me want to cry.

But, I’m trying to like the Focus, and against all my attempts not to like it, I’ve found a lot I do like about it. It has a lot of features that the Malibu didn’t have. I know I was finding things to dislike when I first sat down in the Focus, but I’m overcoming that.

Maybe that’s a step forward.

I need to let go of the Malibu and embrace the Focus. I guess that could stand for a few things metaphorically. Stop living in the past. Accept change. Embrace the future. Stop looking back and start looking forward… I’ve had too many philosophy and literature classes.

Joy of joys.

Anywho, that’s enough depressing shit out of me.

Ryan

Journal, March 2, 2013

On February 26, 2013 the world lost a great man. My Uncle Larry died sixty-one years to the day; he died on his birthday and to me that sounds like a crappy birthday present , but he’s not in pain anymore. He had been fighting throat cancer for more than a year, and he was going to have a tracheotomy put in sometime next week. But, God knew that was the last thing he wanted to do. He’s smoked for years, and he said he didn’t want a trache.

And, now I feel  so bad, so guilty for what I’ve done over the last few years of his life. I had so many chances to get to know him, so many years to try and be a good nephew. And, now those chances are gone. I know the old phrase ‘you don’t know what you have until you lose it’, and it’s true. Every day, it’s true.

It hurts.

It hurts so bad, know that I could have been a better nephew, knowing what I could have done to be his friend, knowing that just once I could tell him I loved him. I’ve said that or even thought that, he was just a fixture in my life. I would go up to Grandma’s and I could find him sitting at the table on the chair closest to the door, or I’d find him in the living room, watching golf, football, or westerns. On nights when I would stay up at Grandma’s house at night I would see him moving around in the morning getting ready for work, and he was just always there. And, now he’s not, and knowing that hurts so much.

It’s like when my dog Sally died. She would always bark at me when I drug the lawn mower down to Uncle Kevin’s house. It took three days, it took me three days to know that it was real. Three days for me to drag the lawn mower down and listen to the emptiness coming from the kennel. And, it was like that this time too. I live three hours away, and know that he was gone was almost clinical, like it was just one more fact of life. But, it got real yesterday, and it was real today. Because I was here, I was here and the fixture my uncle had become in my life wasn’t. It doesn’t matter how many more dinners I have with my grandmother, he’s not going to be sitting down at the end of table anymore. Not eating his share of the cornbread and the green beans I turned my nose up at.

And, I can’t believe how much that hurts.

Everybody losses people in this world, it’s a fact of life. Everybody dies. But, I don’t think anybody knows how bad it’s going to hurt until it happens. I know I didn’t know how much it was going to hurt. And, when it came down to it, I realized I’ve never given him a Christmas present, I’ve never given him anything as much as I should have. So, when it came down to it I had to give him something. When me and my wife got together, even before we got married, she gave me her lucky coin, and today I gave him that coin. I put it in his hand so that he’d be able to hold on to it forever.

I pray that coin gives him luck across the river and all throughout the ever after.

I love you Uncle Larry. I love you so much. And, I wish I’d taken the time to tell you that in life.

In loving memory of Larry Neil Smith

Feb. 26, 1952-Feb. 26, 2013