Dreams

Dreams can be many things to many different people. They can be good happy things where everything is perfect. They can be terrible nightmares that hell couldn’t hold a candle too. And, then they can make absolutely no sense at all with the world seeming to be skewed this way and that. Then, you can also look at dreams as ambition; the thing you want to do with your life and the heights you want to rise too. A dream can be something you want.

My dream—at the moment—is to find something to say about dreams that doesn’t sound ridiculous. Lol.

I was talking to Cupcake about it, and we were basically talking about how I could use dreams in the story. She mentioned using mindflayers (psychic mini Cthulhus that eat brains) as antagonists who create perfect dreams for the PCs, with the downside being the PCs could never escape from their dreams when they realized it was a nightmare. The problem with that comes from the OGL. Mindflayers, also called Illithids, are not considered Open Game content. They are part of the Product Identity of Wizards of the Coast Dungeons and Dragons brand. Therefore, if I use them, then publish the adventure (as I plan to do with all of the adventures I write), then I will get a nice fat lawsuit dropped right on my head. And, that would just suck.

So, there won’t be any mindflayers in my game. That doesn’t mean I don’t have equally nasty monsters to take the place of those critters. But, talking about them here would give away the big surprise I’ve got planned for the PCs. (Please note that said surprise has something to do with the campaign as a whole and not just the current adventure.) That should leave them guessing for a while, lol.

Anyway, this surprise beastie has psychic powers far beyond the capabilities of any being the PCs have run into yet, and parts of it have the wicked urge to infiltrate an enemy’s dreams; a sort of psychological warfare, and, yes, they can easily take control of those dreams by tapping into the subconscious and finding the things the subject desires most in life and the things the subject fears the most. Then it would bend those things to get the subject to act the way it desires. If it wants to keep it from resting, it will give the subject the most terrifying nightmares possible. If it wants the subject to be overconfident in their actions, it will give the subject dreams about what it wants most.

Then if the beastie is pissed off at the subject it can put the subject through hell by subjecting it to a dream that it can never escape from. The body would wither and die slowly as the conscious and subconscious minds were tormented, even killed, time and time again so long as their bodies draw breath. Escaping from that sort of nightmare would be a helluva feat, and it would certainly be something entertaining to throw at the PCs. The first obstacle they’d have to overcome would be realizing they’re in a dream. The second would be communicating with one another. The third would be finding a way to break the beasties hold on them. All the while, the beastie would be watching them, knowing their moves before they’re made, and it would be entertained. Maybe it’s something that can’t be beaten.

Who knows?

Not I said the fly.

I guess it’s just going to have to be one of those adventures I write and play with my group to find the answer.

Now I bet Cupcake wishes she hadn’t made that suggestion about mindflayers. Lol.

Ryan

2-25-14

Clowns

I feel like I should be writing this post in multi colored ink. Sadly, it’s been a long time since I’ve had one of those gel multi colored pens. And… my brain stopped, dead in its tracks. It doesn’t want to discuss this topic. Clowns are the bane of mortal existence.

Like it’s really fighting it.

Why won’t the brightly colored costumes go away?

No more pom-pom buttons. No more. Please. I beg of you. I swear I’ll never watch Killer Klowns from Outer Space after dark again. I promise!

Yeah, brains still not feeling this.

It makes me upset. I usually have so much fun writing these, so I don’t know why my forehead is so thick right now. I really just want to go to bed. Yes, that would be very nice.

It’s still too early for bed, though. And, there are still several things on the “to do” list. I need to get them done before bed. Yes. Yes, I do.

Does it ever feel like you’re trying to convince yourself to do something? It feels that way for me, all the time. I always need to coax myself to actually get anything done. Like right now. Mentally, I’m fighting a war with myself, trying and trying to turn the wheels towards the topic Cupcake gave me.

Yes.

Cupcake gave me clowns as a subject. I hate her for this. Lol. Though, I did manage to pay her back… a little. I implied there might be a clown zombie drider (half drow half spider) thing named Pennywise appearing in the next few adventures. It would be just a little bit of everything my Cupcake hates and fears, and it would be glorious.

Lol.

And, now, I’m wondering what sort of stats would Pennywise (the supernatural antagonist in Stephen King’s It) have?

The way he’s described, Pennywise would be a sort of god-like character. Like Cthulhu from the Lovecraft stories, giving stats to that beast would be like taking God (the real God from the Jewish, Christian, and Islamic faiths) and giving him stats. How can you do it? Where do you start? Is there a beginning to his power? An end?

I’ve made gods before (in regards to a Dungeons & Dragons pantheon for my game), and some of them are so powerful they could peel the universe apart like an orange, but that’s a whole different level of being. There’s no way to get it on paper.

And, I got all this from the topic of clowns. And, I thought the most interesting thing I’d mention would be the zombie clown from Zombieland.

Or, maybe the Joker.

And, for shits and giggles I’ll mention Killer Klowns from Outer Space again.

But, the point of the whole thing is simple. Clowns are terrifying…

That is all.

-HONK-

Ryan

2-3-14

Lazy Day

Well, today I have been entirely unproductive. Lol. It is one o’clock at the time of this writing (so technically, it’s actually being written on the day it’s being published) and I have had my blog done hours before bed time typically. But, today I didn’t. Today, I kicked back and relaxed, enjoyed some music, a little booze, and what might as well have been a four hour nap. Lol. I really sat in my chair for that long, doing nothing at all. And, my god for once it was glorious.

I don’t like it though. Not all the way.

I did have plans for the day, that didn’t get done because of my lazy streak. But, those plans can be accomplished tomorrow as easily as they could have been done today. This is not me justifying procrastination; no this is me stating that my plans don’t have a super set deadline. Today, in fact, is the first day since I started with my goals that I let any of them goes past the point I where I was supposed to do them. I’ll still get the majority of them done (the two hours of writing I had planed has kind of been nixed, I don’t want to stay up till four in the morning, then have to get up to take Erik to work at 7ish, wouldn’t be healthy driving time).

As for what is there to talk about?

A couple of things I suppose.

First, Maleficent is going to be one of the most bad ass movies ever to premier, and yes, it’s a Disney movie. It premiers in May, but I want it to come out now… I get chills each time I watch the trailer. Sleeping Beauty has been my all time favorite fairy tale, and now my all time favorite villain is taking her place in the spotlight. She will take it, using all the powers of Hell!!! (I love you momma :)

Second, Cracked.com has put out a call for submissions. They accept submissions year round, but it’s generally this time of year that they really bring your attention to it. And, I think I’m going to try and get something published. I’ve got a concept I think will be funny, and it might match their styling, but I’m not sure yet…. No, I’m not giving the idea away. :P This idea is all mine.

Third… I need to learn how to draw… I ask people to draw things for me, and they say sure, give me some time… and then I never hear back from them. And, I’m like “oh, I’m not going to bother them, they might be busy with something else” instead of doing what I asked them too. And, if I could just draw it myself I wouldn’t have a problem. However, if there is an artist among you that wishes to draw creatures and monsters for me at a cheap rate (read free) then I would love to hear from you down in the comments section.

Plus I have to learn to draw. I played with a random animal generator and I got the animals, a bull and a praying mantis. Now I need to learn how to draw, how to draw those creatures, and then draw a picture of them combined in some horrific way. And, just to make things fun for my DnD group, I’m going to come up with stats for that ugly beastie and see what they think of it. It might wind of up looking something like this:

http://spipes.deviantart.com/art/The-Undead-Bears-for-Shark-208186166

\

Only it’ll be a little more along the lines of a bull and a praying mantis. Mainly because I don’t want to claim someone else’s work as my own. I dunno.

Anywho… I’m about to drop into bed, and I’m nowhere near it. So, I shall talk at you kids later.

Ryan

1-27-14

Badrick Witch***

I didn’t have to ask Mel to give me a topic today! I came up with one all by myself. Lol. You should all be proud of me… and those of you who aren’t… well, you all can bite a hockey puck flavored biscuit.

Not sure where that came from. I might be a little hyper. Though, it’s more likely that I’m so tired I’m going crazy.

Anywho…

I had to work today, and there’s nothing like work to bring out the worst in me. I don’t know what it is, but it’s like I go to work and sink to the bottom of a cesspool. So, I tried to keep my mind busy with something else. It turned around towards something I did last night.

While I was working on my Dungeons and Dragons adventure I had to come up with a minor mob fight for an encounter. The PCs last left things off in a bar, so I figured I’d use the barkeeper as the mob for the encounter. I’d planned to use him as a way to give the PCs information and thought why not have them beat the info out of the barkeeper.

So, I worked up stats for the NPC (non-player character) based off of what I’d told them about the barkeeper before. He’s a dwarf who was in some terrible mishap and lost both legs and an arm. These limbs were replaced with big hulking stone limbs like one’s you’d see on a golem. In fact, the template I applied to the NPC is the Half Golem template. I worked the stats up, did some play testing and figured that was it.

Today, as a way to escape from work I named him. Badrick Witch*** (that last part is vulgar and I’m trying to stay kid friendly today) and he is the owner/operator of The Witches *** (same word, same reason) the bar/tavern/inn the PCs are staying at. But, that wasn’t enough. I wanted to know what had happened to him to make him the way he is. His name isn’t Darth Vader, so I don’t believe it was a fateful lightsaber duel on the volcanic planet of Mustafar.

Then an argument crept into mind. One a father and son might have. The father wants his son to do one thing, and the son wants to do another.

And, until I started to write the argument out I had it right there at the front of my mind.

“You’re a Witch***, and Witch***s are barkeepers. I’ve got a bar, passed down to me from your grandfather, and he got it from his father. This bar has been in the Witch*** family for fourteen generations, and you want to break the chain?”

That’s Badrick’s father. It’s an age old fight that will go on so long as there are fathers and sons. But, Badrick wanted to be an adventurer, he told his father as much and ran off to join an adventuring party that had just stayed at The Witch’s ***. They took him along, and the party ran afoul of a deep horned dragon, a damn (there went the kid friendly) big beastie with eight heads, who thought the party would make a tasty snack. The dragon killed the adventurers one by one, swallowing them whole. It chomped on Badrick’s arm, then his legs (actually taking everything from the waist down), and left him there to die.

A wizard came along, fried the dragon, and saved Badrick’s life. But, there wasn’t a cleric to be found and arcane magic doesn’t do much good with replacing limbs. So, the wizard used his wizardy might to make stone replacement limbs for Badrick (The 6 Million Dollar Dwarf). Everything went pretty much as planned and the wizard sent Badrick on his way.

He returned home, his heart broken by the cold fact that he wasn’t cut out to be an adventurer. He accepted the destiny his father put before him, and became the disgruntled dwarven barkeeper he is today.

As a neat little character trait, I’ve made it so that Badrick’s lost some control of his limbs over the long years, and the limbs have taken to murdering random NPCs. Yet, the people of the town Badrick lives in don’t perceive this trait as a problem. He does live in a pirate town after all.

Anywho, that’s enough from me. Maybe the PCs will overcome Badrick the Half Golem, maybe they won’t. And, maybe Badrick will make another appearance later on in the story.

Laters.

Ryan

1-23-14

Jounral 7-10-13

Excitement!!!

Not really, lol. Things didn't go quite the way I expected, and we won't be spending our first night in the new homestead. I did have a revelation though.

I don't take to change well, and this whole situation has been so extremely stressful for me that cupcake says I'm not even acting like I normally do. I can believe that. So, last night, I was sitting in my new writing room, looking at the walls I painted, and I started to imagine where my things were going to be. The way I was going to orient the desk. And, the futon, and the TV (when I have the money to put one in there), the entertainment stand for said TV and my recliner, and book case, and through all of that I realized it had clicked. I was looking at this place, this new wonderful place as if it was home, and I cried.

I didn't cry because I was sad. I cried because I saw the opportunity we've been given. The opportunity to better ourselves, and to live up to the standards this place is going to demand. We will be better people for going through this move, and adjusting to this new life. And, maybe, for those of us who're depressed all the time, it might let in a little ray of Hope. The one that Pandora didn't let out of the box. Maybe that ray of Hope will bring us this new home, and the ability to enjoy it. I know I want to enjoy living there.

Anyway, enough of the semi profound mumbo jumbo. That's what it sounds like to me.

As for the daily report. We moved the washer and dryer. We learned that the dryer power outlet was fried, and that it took our power cord with it. We're going to replace the power cord instead of getting a new washer and dryer. I wanted to get a new set. We also moved the two big dressers in the bedroom, leaving only the chest of drawers and the bed to move (there's also a night stand I keep forgetting about) and the bedroom will be moved. I've been meaning to move the stuff out of the old writing room for the last four days now, but I keep forgetting. Couldn't tell you why, it just flies right out of my head when I'm thinking of the need to do list.

And, when it comes to writing... you're looking at the only thing I wrote today. It's killing me. I need to get my pen back on paper and get to scribbling. At this point I don't care if it's a Hub or a short story or a novel I just need to write something before I go insane. (Probably another reason why my stress levels have been so high.) But, things will improve. I'll get to set my new writing room up in the next week or so, and then I can bend over the desk and get to work. Maybe not even taking the time to look up as I power through whatever project comes to mind first.

Now, I'm going to go to bed. I have to be at "the most wonderful place on Earth" at five am. I hate you McDonalds. Lol.

Ryan

Dear Cupcake

Dear Cupcake,

I'm sorry. You gave me a list of things to do, and I didn't do any of them.

You're disappointed. You should be, and I wish I could be there to see the disappointment on your face. It would be punishment enough. 

I didn't get the living room cleaned and packed. Nor did I get the kitchen/bedroom/name a room packed and ready to move. 

You said if I could get everything moved from one house to another we would go to books a million, and I could have a mini shopping spree, and now I don't get it. I didn't get with the program, and bust my balls to get things done. 

Instead I played with paint and fire. I stayed up too late. I drank way too much soda. And me an Erik tried to go out to a bar on the fourth, and we hung out at the gas station instead of coming home when we found the bar closed.

And I had a good time, hanging out with my folks, and making fun of Erik wanting his dad's motorcycle. And you weren't there beside me. I missed you then, and now.

I don't want you to be upset with me. I know I've been a pain in the ass, and I haven't gotten the list done, and I know you'll be a little upset with me. And that I should be there to see the pain in your eyes when you see what hasn't been done. I deserve that punishment. 

I want you to be you though. Look at me and roll your eyes and take the broom. You're better at it than I am :P and I want you to hold me, play with my hair (what tiny amount of it there is) and tell me everything's going to be okay.

But, you don't have to say that, though. No, you don't. We'll get moved in and we'll love our new home. And then, by some sort of new home magic, we'll get rich, and never have to worry again. 

So, I know you're going to be disappointed in me, but know this: everything is going to get done. The kid gloves are off, and I'm ready. Better late than never, and I'm ready. I will make this the home of your dreams. And, I'll try to stop driving you crazy. Can't make any promises there.

I love you cupcake. More than anything. I want you to know that.

So, don't be disappointed when you get home. Know that I'm going to come home, and make this work.

I love you.

Ryan

PS: What's the cell phone number again? 

Journal 7-5-13

Feeling it...

Yesterday, I felt like crap. Pure and simple, utter crap. I don't know why. I don't know if I overworked myself, or spent too much time working on the new place, or if I'm just getting to old to pull all-nighters. (That last one seems most likely.) But, yeah.

I'm thinking about listing the symptoms of my crap feelings, but I'm sure you can imagine what it was.

Anyway, I didn't get a lot done yesterday. I slayed Cat Mountain, and got it moved over to the new place, though all of the stuff that made up Cat Mountain is now stuffed in the Writing Room 2.0's closet. And, I worked on cleaning up the living room. Packing up the remaining stuff, and cleaning the furniture. I wanted to start taking furniture over yesterday. But, a) I was feeling like crap, and b) I don't know how much the contractor had gotten done, and so didn't know where I could put things to keep it out of the way.

The point of this, maybe, is that I didn't get the living room finished to my satisfaction. Meaning, I'll be working on it again today.

Though, I do get to see my mom and dad today :) (I'm actually writing this post on their computer.) And, it gets to be both business and pleasure. My little sister had a couch and a bed that there was no space for when she moved back in with Mom and Dad. So, we're going to use this for the new place. The trip down here today was too get the furniture and spend time with our folks (me and Erik came down). It worked out well.

As for something else to talk about...

I got nothing.

I could complain about not getting thus and such done, but I've already done this to some extent (see above). And, complaining about it isn't going to get it done (my wife is going "Who are you? And, what have you done with my husband?"). So, I'm going to spend the day with my folks, pick up the furniture, go home, and see about getting done what needs to be done.

Laters.

Ryan

Journal 7-3-13

Wiped.

I am wiped out ladies and gentlemen. It is ten till one while I'm writing this, and yes, my a double s is about to go to sleep. But, like I said in yesterday's post, I really do need to set these up to post before I go to bed. I find I get the most consistent views when I post consistently everyday, and at the same time everyday. It just seems to work out.

Anyway, today was another fun filled day. I had a doc appointment, took care of that, I got to fight with the telephone people for an hour, trying to get them to change the installation date for our services. They wouldn't let me make the changes as my name wasn't on the account. Mel got that taken care of though. Now, all I need to do is call them and get them to change the address of where they're coming to install the new services. We didn't have the correct address when we set the appointment up.

As for the rest of the day, it was spent up at the new place trying to get it ready. We put the first coat of paint up in the writing room. I meant to take pictures to post, but I'll get them up tomorrow. It looks good, and it will look better after we get the second coat up. Then we can take the painter's tape off, and you can see how the white stands out against the blue. It's going to look awesome.

On a similar note, I also kind of find myself in freak out mode, even though I know that I shouldn't be freaking out. We're supposed to be out of our current rental property by the 14th, and I wanted to get moved out by the 5th. It's not going to happen. Anyway, I've been upset, and generating this all by myself, because we haven't been able to get to move our stuff from one property to the other. And, that is the reason I took this week off, so that I would have time, and energy, to get stuff moved and the old trailer cleaned up as best we can.

So, yeah, I worked myself up into a tizzy, and now my headaches in ways it shouldn't (part of that might be the paint fumes though). And, I know everybody else is right not to worry. It's only going to take a couple of days to get our stuff moved over, and then maybe a good day or so to get the old property cleaned up. So, yes, I need to chill. I just find it hard to do.

I feel bad. Not because of the freak out or anything like that. I feel bad because I haven't been keeping up with my Things To Do list. I haven't been taking my walk, and I've been slacking in the hygiene department (gross I know). Really the only thing I've kept up with is my blog. And, that might be because it's kind of cathartic, a good sort of daily purge, in trying to keep my sanity. What little of it might be left.

And, I've been slacking off on my hubpages stuff as well. I've wanted to be able to do one a day, but I've done one and a quarter since Saturday. I know it's because I've had other things to do, and I can rationalize it like that, but there's this nagging little voice inside my head going on and on about it. "You're wasting time." "How are you ever going to make this a day job?" "No Hub, no money." Not exactly thoughts that well defined, but pretty damn close. And, there's another one too, one that goes on even when I'm getting the Hub's done, like last week. "When are you going to do some creative writing?" "You still have to finish Cold Lunch." "What about that short story you were going to submit?" "Or the one you haven't finished writing? The one about the gnome." "And, those two novellas you were going to do for HubPages, where are they?" "And, your DnD adventure. You're putting a group together, so don't you need to have something for them to do when they're ready to play?" (That one is really that well defined.) And, it goes on and on, forever and ever, and I don't know how to shut it up. If I do creative writing, something else suffers. The painting doesn't get done. Or the Hubs don't get done. Or I don't get enough sleep. These negative little voices are chitter chattering all the time, and I don't know how to please them. It's no wonder I'm in freak out mode. I can't get any peace! Lol.

Yeah, I don't know. I think I'm just going to go to sleep for now, and try to figure out something to do with those problems later.

Yes, sleep is a good idea.

Talk to you kids later.

Ryan

Journal 5-30-13

Exciting…

Yeah, today wasn’t. Work sucked, even though I was only there for four hours. A corporate guy came in to inspect the store, so, the managers thought it would be a good idea to have every F**K*NG employee work. It was cramped, and I got claustrophobic. I wigged, and I tried to focus on my job, but everything around me was overloading me. The result, I got yelled at a couple of times.

Anyway, after the guy left, the managers were like “Shit, we’re not making enough money to support the people we have on the clock.” So, they sent half of us home. I was one of those people.

And, so far as I know, I didn’t get written up, and I still have a job. We’ll keep our fingers crossed on that one.

Other than that, I did get my Hub typed and posted. If you didn’t catch the link on my Facebook Page (which you should like if you haven’t already), I’ve got it for ya right now. A Review of Star Trek Online: Legacy of Romulus. It’s a simple title that says exactly what it’s about. Lol. I don’t know if I could make it any clearer than that.

In other news, I have the next Hub written, the one I plan on posting tomorrow, I just don’t have it typed yet. So, it might get typed, and it might not. Really pushing for the first option.

And, I’ve got one major thing I need to do. Things to do, you know, my walk, hygiene, and blogging, well I need to get better at controlling the way I go about it. I want it to work like this: take a walk, get back and deal with hygiene, write my blog and go on my marry way with the rest of the day. Doesn’t happen like that. Usually what happens is I come home from my walk, and I see my chair as soon as I get in the door. It’s a walmart bought chair, so it’s not exactly what I would call comfortable, but it is inviting. And, I’ll give in to the temptation of the chair and set down. And, from there I’ll get my computer. Then I’ll play STO and it will be 11 or 12 before I get in the shower and get this written. I’ve got to beat the temptation of the chair.

Well, we’ll see how that works out in the next few days.

I wish I had some other exciting news to give, but I really don’t. I worked on job applications for banks, got in touch with my references, and filled out the rest of my resume. Now, I just need to turn said applications in, and collect a few more, and a few more, and just get the bases covered real good. Maybe I’ll even work up a skills based resume, one that focuses on my creativity, and throw it up on monster, let everybody in a hundred or so mile radius know that I’m looking for creative work. Something like that any way.

Then there are other options. But, I’m about to start typing with my forehead, and you won’t be able to make much sense out of that.

Ciao.

Ryan

Journal 5-21-13

STO overload.

So, Legacy of Romulus came out today. It was a pain in the ass to play, but it was awesome. Now there is no time for consciousness.

You should know that I did all my stuff today, even if this hardly counts as a blog post.

Now, here's a lovely wallpaper depicting the various fictional incarnations of the USS Enterprise.

You can download this lovely wallpaper from sto.perfectworld.com but I'm too lazy to upload the direct link, so... Yeah.

Gnite.

Ryan.

Journal 5-19-13

Day Two…

Day Two of the “Things To Do…” Project, and already our valiant captain has realized one thing that’s going to need some work.

This whole one right after the other thing.

Yeah, I took my walk at seven, and I didn’t get in the shower until almost midnight… that sure is one right after the other. Lol.

Anywho, today was marginally better than yesterday. I didn’t have a freak out working the table today, thought I was going too since new guy was at work today. But, it was cool. What did happen though, was all about mood swings.

You know how you can have a mood swing that is set off by the simplest thing. Like the sound of someone’s voice…

Well, I was in a really good mood this morning…

I’m going to leave it at that because what I have to say is not nice and would get vulgar in word choice. So, let’s just leave it at, there’s a kid at work that annoys me to the point where I can have a bad mood swing. One that lasted for two hours… and got worse every time he opened his mouth… I wanted to get violent…

And, yeah…

Anywho, let’s talk about writing. I got my Hub finished, and I should be posting it later today. I might type it, and wait a couple of days to post it. No real reason.

I also got started in the next scene on The Black Hole’s Teeth. Wasn’t much though, just a half a page really, while I was waiting for my sleep meds to kick in last night.

As for Cold Lunch, I’m starting to think I’m avoiding it, and for the life of me I can’t figure out why. I could think of some reasons though, if you wanted me to go into detail. Like maybe I think it’s safer to write the Hubs and fanfiction because I don’t believe my family’s welfare depends on it, and I can delude myself into believing that those things are going to help me when I do finally get Cold Lunch published… one day.

Yeah, negative thoughts again. Though, the Hubs, the blog, the fanfiction, all of that will help me when it comes time to get published, mainly because I’m working on building an audience through those sites, and I’ll use those sites as advertising space when it comes to getting my work into the hands of my audience.

As for advertising, I’ve also gone live-ish on Hub pages. I sat down and got all the crap set up so I could get paid through ad sharing and different programs about this and that. So, chances are, I’ll be including links to eBay and Amazon in my posts. You are more than welcome to click on these, and buy lots of items while you’re there. :D

And, I thought about activating Google Adsense here on Blogger, but I really don’t want to try and shove that much down anybody’s throat. Plus with the wide array of crap I write about here, they’d never know what sort of ads to put up. Lol.

To cut this short, I could go on with these little paragraphs about nothing for the rest of the night. But, I think I’m going to do some typing and go to bed. That will be the best idea.

Gnite.

Ryan

Journal 5-15-13

Decisions: AKA a huge pile of shit I don’t want to deal with.

Today has been a whirlwind. It might be because I haven’t slept since 9am yesterday morning. It might be because I’m generally unable to control my emotional level. Or it could be some other unforeseen force at work. I dunno. But, I do know that I’m really tired. Lol.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about doing a post like this for a while (two or three weeks, as an example of how fast I keep up with my mind), and since then I’ve kind of been digesting things, looking at the parts of my life that need to be looked at. The review wasn’t good.

Basically, the best thing in my life is and always will be my wife. Mel is the absolute best.

Other than her though, I’m not doing so hot.

I guess I could go with a long list of all the things that have gone wrong, but I’ll skip that. Well… I’ll give you the truncated version.

Degree: useless.

Job: sucks.

Career: nonexistent.

Publication: a far off dream.

Ambition: ?

(I’m probably going to get a tongue lashing about this post. Lol.)

But, yeah, there you go. What I see is wrong with me in one simple list.

And, now I should moan and complain about swirling around in a vast pit of despair. Rolling from one dead end job to another. Living between the mood swings and the obsessions. Just really letting myself soak in all the negative crap that I feel pours out of my ears and eyes and mouth. Yeah, I don’t think you want to listen to that. And, though it goes against how I’ve felt almost all day, I’m feeling kind of upbeat right now. (It might be the fact that I’m getting ready to go to bed.)

I feel the need to try and be positive. And, maybe give a thesis statement or something like that. I’m going to change my life by doing xyz. I’ll talk about all the different plans I have, and blah, blah, blah.

The problem with that is I don’t know how to change my life. I don’t know what path I need to walk down, and I can’t see the road signs. I don’t know what leads to what.

But, then, that’s life isn’t it. We all wander through the fog like that. There’s no instruction manual, no snowflake method to living a life. (And, I really don’t care what anybody says about that.) So, the best thing I can do, I guess, is look at the options and see what puts me where.

1.       Publication: I hate to say it, and to all the people who will disagree with me, but right now I feel like publishing a book is a shot in the dark. I’m halfway through the second draft of my longest and latest novel, and I’m not sure how it’s going to turn out. Calculating the word average from what I have now it’s going to be 20-30k longer than I planned on it being. And, that probably means another draft.

 Which means more time away from getting it on the market.

More time away from getting it published.

 And, so on and so forth.

So, depending on the gods of good fortune in getting a bestseller right off the bat is probably not a good idea. Not only that, but it puts undue stress on the author. I feel like I have to produce a bestseller, because this is the only thing I’m hanging my career on, the welfare of my family, and my ability to put food on the table.

Frankly, luck is a bad idea for that sort of situation.

2.       Going into business: Might sound silly, but I’ve thought about it over the years. Opening my own bookstore, or maybe running a lawn care business (a recent idea), but there’s several problems with that. I don’t have the funds. I don’t have the necessary skill set. I don’t know how to write a business plan. Nor do I know how to run a business. None of the details.

 I think I might, and when I think about my store or service it’s always a huge success. That’s like depending on luck though. Starting a business is hard. It’s uncertain. And, it takes a while to see anything come to fruition (two to six years from what I’ve read).

So, an option for the future, keeping my eye out to learn those necessary skills, and learn how to place value on an object I feel is invaluable or something like that. A future option is viable. A cure for the immediate situation? No. Probably a bad idea to dive into in the current state of things.

3.       School: I’m thinking about going back to school. And, I’m thinking of trying to teach school. Lol. These are actually things I’ve been thinking about for… well, since I got out of college.

The first problem is money.

The second problem is location.

The third problem is time.

The fourth problem… I can’t make up my mind.

Who knew?

There are options, a wealth of options, some might say.

Right now I’m thinking about trying to get into a certificate program or two to learn Medical Billing and Phlebotomy (both pay better than McDonalds, and well, any of the jobs I’ve had in the last five years). So, I’m looking at these programs, and it’s going to be about a year, year and a half before I finish. Not an immediate solution. It’s going to cost somewhere between 20 and 30 grand figuring in tuition and travel and a whole list of other things. Not sure where that money would come from. And, I’d have to drive to Pikeville and back, plus working, plus studying. The thought of the gas prices alone kills me. Yeah, dunno about that one.

I also want to get a Creative Writing MFA. This is accomplishable. I could do a low residency program so that most of my studies would be online and at home. But, a Creative Writing MFA isn’t a guaranteed ticket to publication and international bestsellerdom. That’s going back to shooting on that luck thing.

Then I could go for other masters through an online institution like University of Phoenix. This I could see being doable as well, except for the fact that the two options I’ve looked at are about as sure of a job thing as the MFA. I would like to study psychology, and I could. But their online program encompasses none of the practical and clinical experience. So… that would be almost impossible to find a job in. And, I thought about their education program, and nixed it the first time I talked to one of their reps. They don’t offer that program in West Virginia. Awesome huh?

And, one other problem with the masters. Money. A masters degree is expensive.

So, I’ve thought about skipping the going back to school thing altogether, and using the Transition to Teaching program offered by the West Virginia Board of Education. That one hits a rut too. I graduated from Concord with a 2.1 GPA, and the BOE requires, by law, a 2.5. Doesn’t sound so bad does it?

Well…

I managed to mess myself up so bad in school (through a serious set of circumstances I don’t want to relive in this post) that I’ve got more negative points than positive points. I talked to the registrar at Concord yesterday, and it would take 45 credit hours with a 4.0 GPA to raise mine to the 2.5 I’d need. Basically, if I take the certificate courses (about 48 credit hours) and aced them, I’d have the GPA I’d need to go through with Transition to Teaching.

Lots of fun there.

I was going to try to keep this positive but that went straight to hell. Didn’t it?

4.       Ambition: I don’t know where it went.

I wanted a lot out of life. In college I had a quadruple major, and it fell to pieces. I’ve tried to sell a novel before, and short stories, and I’ve seen nothing out of that. And, we’ve already talked about the business and school things.

It’s like I’m wading in this pool that I can’t get out of.

I’m stuck. And, I don’t know what to do to get out. (The whole point of this post.)

I want to do a lot of things. I want to sit at home and tip-tap the little keys on my keyboard, making up stories that would scare the pants off the strongest man in the world. I want to play video games all day long, and not have to worry about where the money is coming from. I want to feel better, both physically and emotionally. I want to be able to understand and coexist with what is wrong with me. And, I want to get rid of the stress all these decisions are bringing down on my head.

Realistic right?

But, I think I might have a plan. I just need to light a fire under my ass to get it going.

The internet is the ninth wonder of the world (right behind Andre the Giant), and it is filled with opportunity. One just has to be able to see that opportunity, and understand how to make it work to turn a little bit of a profit.

I can see that opportunity.

I can understand how to make it work.

I can whore myself and my work out. I can write blogs, a personal one like this, and then a couple on those sights that specialize in ad sharing or whatever it’s called. I can do the same on youtube, though since I’m not funny I’d probably have to stick to making homemade audio books. I can even self-publish some of my work for free through amazon, ibooks, and smashwords. I’d be able to set the prices to what I want, and use my blogs and other social media tools to sell them.

I can build an audience! And, that’s what I need. I need to get my work out there, to build an audience. To make myself look good to the companies I want to publish my books.

I understand all of this.

But, I’m lacking something.

Follow through.

As you can no doubt tell my blog has become something that is infrequently updated. Insert another example here. I just don’t know why. But, I’m trying to work through it. I’m trying to build good habits. Walking. Writing everyday no matter what it’s about. Meditation and the study of Zen Buddhism to clear all the clutter out of my brain. These are the habits I want to establish.

But…

It’s just like with school.

And, with the businesses.

None of it’s an immediate solution. Everything I talked about takes time, and I feel like I don’t have the time. I need it now, because I feel like I’m detracting from the quality of life my wife should have. That’s why it’s hard for me to make these decisions. I can’t see which one is going to be the fastest route to success. So, what I really need to decide to do is understand that there are no immediate solutions. I need to understand that these things take time, and I have to be willing to give it that time.

Mel tells me to live one day at a time. And, I like to make a joke about writing; you write a novel one word at a time. But, I’m not willing to allow that line of thought into my head.

My decision needs to be to let that idea in. I need to learn patients. I need to learn discipline. Thus the study of Zen Buddhism, and the habit building. The door has to be opened somehow.

Anywho, I’m going to bed. G’nite taters.

Ryan

Fanfiction project In the Morning Light #9

Got my computer back.

Does the joy dance, realizes it looks weird, and stops. Cheeks are a little flushed, and I'm not making eye contact. They'll only judge you if they can see your eyes. Lol.

I dunno, but I'm a little sleep deprived right now. I've not been able to sleep due to some severe heart burn. Hell, I can taste it all in the back of my throat and it straight up makes me want to gag. But, there's not much I'm going to be able to do with it for the next few hours. It's not like I'm going to get up now to go and get tums. It's four in the morning, my ass should be in bed asleep. I'm not set up for this night time crap anymore.

And, I suddenly realized, I have absolutely no idea where I'm going with this. I guess it might make sense in the future, when all the worlds culture is gone, except my blog and my writing, then somebody will be able to make some sense out of it. They'll think it's a new literary technique, and thus break it down to the point where the post is little more than a dissected frog.

I never got to do that in school. Never once had to slit open a frogs gut, and poke at its insides with sharp objects. I'm thinking I missed an important growing experience here. Maybe.

My mouth tastes like an ash trey, and a big friggen burp. I need to get something to drink. But, I don't want to get up off my ass to go and procure tasty tasty beverage.

Nevermind, we're out of soda.

Mel's got two thirds of a 20oz in the living room, and a 24oz in the fridge. I don't think she'll miss the 20oz. Now I just need to find the motivation to get up and go into the living room. Grump.

As for writing, I got the last scene/chapter of the third quarter of In the Morning Light done. And, now, I get to hang around and type them, what fun.

Blah.

I think I'm going to call it a night, and try to get some sleep. God only knows if the heartburn will let me though.

Ryan