Journal Excerpt 5-3-14

I don't normally do this, and it's not something that's going to become a habit, it just so happens that I had a really bright moment in my journal the other day. It was a moment that I thought was deep and profound, but I'm not sure if it will work that way in the light of day.

Anywho, here we go:

“I'm exhausted. I want to go to sleep. I want to go home. I want, I want, I want... I irritate myself sometimes. And, ya know, I really must not want to get ahead in life. If I did I believe I'd be busting my ass a little bit harder to get Cold Lunch written.”

(This section obviously isn't the deep profound moment. It's the way I start out a journal entry on a typical work day. And, yes, I do talk to myself in my journal... or something to that effect.)

“Why can't this shit be easy?”

“Well, writing is easy for you. You're a naturally creative person who can pretty much turn it on and off like a light switch.”

“I wouldn't go that far with it...”

“I would. There's proof on your f***ing computer that you can do this shit and you're sitting here whining about it. All you need to do to get this novel done is put some effort into it. If you spend half the time writing that you spend whining you'd have the book finished.”

“I'm not going to beat up on ya for the past. (Same speaker, new paragraph.) You didn't do this or that, yadda yadda yadda. You can't go back and change that. The only thing you can do now is change the future. You an only work with the here and now. The past is just that, the past, it's passed you by, it's gone, quit trying to go back to it. I know you're thinking a “but”... Don't. Hit that bitch with a shovel right now, and focus on the future. Now, say it with me:

“The past is the past. It's done and gone and I can't change it. The only thing I can do is live in the here and now. The only thing I can do is keep this shovel with me, and keep carrying on. Keep calm and carry on. And, always remember: Bitches love shovels.”

And, yeah, I felt that was kind of deep. At least I think it was for me. Anywho, that's all from me.

Later kids.

Ryan

5-6-14

The Shovel of Truth

The Shovel of Truth (pictured above) is a +5 golden holy shovel of lie smiting and depression bane. Its use is designed solely to clear away all the nasty crap one's mind comes up with at the worst of times. Like when you think that nobody cares about the things you do.

It's not true.

It never has been, and it never will be. Somebody will always care about the things you are doing. And, sometimes you won't even realize those people are there.

I've been feeling that way recently. I've been kind of in the dumps about a lot of things, and one of those things happened to be my blogging and the results I didn't think I was getting.

Well, I had a real long drawn out chat with a friend of mine and she was telling me about how depression is just one great big lie. It's your mind working against you, telling you things, hateful things that aren't true. It's the voice that whispers about how you messed up that job interview. It's the voice that tells you you're worthless, that everything you've done up to this point has been meaningless.

After a while, those lies get heavy, and I told my friend about how I am. I told her that all I wanted to do was collapse beneath them, let them run me over, just so I could get a little rest. I told her I wanted to give in, and give up. Then I told her what giving up meant to me (and that's not something I'll repeat here), and she told me that I didn't strike her as the type of person who just gave up.

I believe that.

There have been so many points, so many places in my life where I've just wanted to give up. I've wanted to lay in bed and wallow in my grief and self-pity. I've believed the things depression's been telling me. But, I didn't give up.

I kept moving. And, it hasn't always been my own will that's got me going. More than once it's been my wonderful Cupcake pulling me up out of the muck and getting me to start moving again. And, I thank her for that. She like's to say she's a flashlight for me, to help me find my way in the dark. I like to think of her more as a lighthouse, one that shines as bright as any star, and let's me see the world for miles and miles.

And, now I have a shovel to help that lighthouse. Lol. Poor analogy, but I think you get what I mean. I now have a weapon to use to beat that depression back. I have the truth to back me up.

The lie: Nobody cares about my blog/writing.

The truth:

Blogger- On average I get between 20 and 30 hits a day, with one official follower.

Fanfiction.net- One of my stories has 59 favorites, 107 alerts, is featured in 2 communities, and is just shy of 50,000 views.

Hubpages- I have 10 followers, and I haven't posted a Hub in the last three months or so.

People care. The proof is there, and I just need to be patient to get the numbers I want.

So, I'm going to take my Shovel o' Truth, and I'm going to go beat some depression/lie zombies to death. Later.

Ryan
4-23-14