Negative Self Talk or How Things Get Better

This is going to be a Rated R blog post.

Just a fair warning. It's not going to be rated R because there's going to be gratuitous nudity or violence. It's going to be rated R because of the language used. And, how all of this makes me feel.

I was doing my walk earlier today and I realized something. It's something that's been staring me in the face for the last couple of months and, like the man who couldn't see the forest for the trees, I couldn't see it.

What is it?

I have firmly planted my head so far up my ass I can wear said ass as a hat.

Yes, yes I have. I haven't been posting my stats on Facebook. I haven't been writing a blog post. I haven't been keeping up with my day planner or with my dry erase board. It would take me an hour or two to find where on Facebook my lasts stats post was, and looking at my archive on my blog I haven't posted since May 23^rd. That's way more than a month ago, and it hurts to see that.

So, yeah, here comes some self deprecation.

I don't know what in God's name has gone on with me. I don't fucking know. I was doing so damn good. I mean really, looking at the same blog archive I posted just about every fucking day for FOUR months. FOUR months!!!!

Why in god's name did that stop?

Why?

And, that's not even the tip of the ice berg. I'd been posting my stats on Facebook for way longer than that. Hell, I started posting my stats back in October. Or maybe earlier than that. I'm not sure. I'd really have to dig to find out. I remember celebrating every couple of weeks because I'd made it another little milestone for getting my goals done. Now, I don't even know who that person was, or where they went.

That's what it's all about too. You see, back then I was making progress. I was moving forward. Every step I took, every day I walked and followed through with The Goal That Shall Not Be Named, every day I wrote a blog post, I felt like I was winning. I felt like I was moving forward. And, it hasn't been like that recently.

It hasn't been like that for almost two months now.

I've been regressing. I've come to the point where I do the walk and my goal each day because I feel like I “have” too. Not because I want too. I don't post my stats (and for the last few days I haven't even kept track of my stats), because that thing in me that was proud of them seems to have died. I could even take it so far as to say that I don't know where any of this is coming from. But, that would be a lie.

All of this has a name, all of what I've been going through recently, this regression, has a name. It's called negative self talk.

25 Labels In Your Negative Self-Talk
Evelyn

Everybody talks to themselves, don't deny it. There's no use in denying it. This self talk is the way we interpret the world and how our brains work out the details of every little thing.

Negative self talk is the inability to look at things logically... after a fashion.

“That person flipped me off as they drove by me. That must mean I'm a terrible person.”

“She's depressed because I couldn't make her smile.”

“I'm fat. I shouldn't be fat. I should be skinny. I've failed at life.”

Those are kind of out there examples, but that's pretty much right on the mark. I know I've thought some of those things at one point or another. And, I think I know what's happening with my goals each day.

“I can't walk today because I'm tired and I never have time.”

“I can't write a blog post today, because I didn't write one yesterday.”

“I can't post my stats because it's after 7.”

“I'm a terrible person because I don't have any drive to move forward.”

“I'm miserable, and that's all I'll ever be. I'll never be any better than a grunt worker at a fast food chain. That's what my life has come down too. I'm 28, I have a bachelor's degree, and I flip burgers for a living. I'm worthless.”

There's a trap in there too. You see, it's easy to be miserable. You don't have to put forth any effort at all to keep living in the drudgery you create by your own inactivity. And, then you look at people around you. People who are successful and enjoying their lives, and you hate them. You hate them because you think why are they happy and I'm not. What are they doing that I'm not? They're trying... They're trying to make their lives better. And, that's more work than any miserable person ever wants to do.

It's easy to be miserable.

I want to break that. I want to stop this negative self talk. I want to TRY again. I want to get out there and be proud of the three miles I walked today. I want to be proud that I've been keeping up with The Goal That Shall Not Be Named for almost a year now. I want to enjoy writing my blog posts, and I want to be happy. More than anything I want to be happy.

I know what I need to do to be happy. I need to try. I need to step out the door and kick my feet, get my ass moving forward. It's a long road from here to there, but it's not the destination that matters. It's the journey, it's the journey and it's the knowledge that you tried along the way. You TRIED to make it to the other end of the road. And, if you have that attitude... you WILL make it to the other end of the road. You WILL succeed, and you WILL be happy.

Phil Williams
Wiki Commons

I just need to start trying again.

I just need to start trying again.

So, here and now I make this proclamation:

TODAY, RIGHT NOW, I CHOOSE TO MOVE FORWARD. I CHOOSE TO STEP AWAY FROM THE BED OF MISERY I'VE MADE FOR MYSELF. TODAY, I CHOOSE TO MOVE FORWARD, AND THINGS WILL GET BETTER. THINGS WILL GET BETTER.

The Desert

Author: due.chiacchiere
Website

This is not to be mistaken for dessert, which happens to be tasty pastries stuffed with sugar. Or cake. Or any wild number of possibilities. Dessert is also not the topic of this post. It evokes an entirely different sort of imagery than what I intend on using for this post.

The desert. A vast wasteland that stretches on for miles and endless miles. The sun hangs low in these places, so it's closer to the ground and thus more capable of scorching rock and earth until nothing can grow. Anything that might have helped life flourish in these is incessantly beaten with fierce winds till it's ground to sand. The things that live there are broken and twisted creatures, designed to thrive on the destruction of other lives.

It's no place for a man to walk into unprepared.

It's no place for a man to walk into period.

Yet, in one fashion or another, we are always walking into the desert. Always walking into that unknown land stretching out before us. Before the present. The desert could certainly be used to represent the future and the unknowns it can bring.

It works as an image of the future for those who are dreading it. And, for those who feel they have no future.

The desert, the future, is simply where they go to die.

That's not the way my imagination is running right now. Just saying.

No, I'm thinking of a different figurative desert.

I've been poking at working on my novel, Cold Lunch, now for about a month. I even put the DnD game on hold until I get it finished. But, it feels like I've been wondering in a desert. I seem to have lost the connection to the book, the river than once ran through this desert and made the fields fertile and full of new life and new ideas.

Putting a book down and walking away from it is a bad idea for any writer, because you can lose that connection. That river can run dry. And, most times I would say this is fatal for the novel.

But, I'm trying to pull a Frankenstein here.

I've been reading through what I had written previously trying to make it rain. If I can find that connection again, then the river will run again, and the fertile fields will return. I don't know if i'll find that connection though...

At this point, I'm starting to feel like I've put the DnD game on hold for no reason at all.

I dunno.

I'm going to go wonder through the desert some more. Maybe preform a rain dance.

Later kids.

Ryan

5-6-14/5-7-14

The Shovel of Truth

The Shovel of Truth (pictured above) is a +5 golden holy shovel of lie smiting and depression bane. Its use is designed solely to clear away all the nasty crap one's mind comes up with at the worst of times. Like when you think that nobody cares about the things you do.

It's not true.

It never has been, and it never will be. Somebody will always care about the things you are doing. And, sometimes you won't even realize those people are there.

I've been feeling that way recently. I've been kind of in the dumps about a lot of things, and one of those things happened to be my blogging and the results I didn't think I was getting.

Well, I had a real long drawn out chat with a friend of mine and she was telling me about how depression is just one great big lie. It's your mind working against you, telling you things, hateful things that aren't true. It's the voice that whispers about how you messed up that job interview. It's the voice that tells you you're worthless, that everything you've done up to this point has been meaningless.

After a while, those lies get heavy, and I told my friend about how I am. I told her that all I wanted to do was collapse beneath them, let them run me over, just so I could get a little rest. I told her I wanted to give in, and give up. Then I told her what giving up meant to me (and that's not something I'll repeat here), and she told me that I didn't strike her as the type of person who just gave up.

I believe that.

There have been so many points, so many places in my life where I've just wanted to give up. I've wanted to lay in bed and wallow in my grief and self-pity. I've believed the things depression's been telling me. But, I didn't give up.

I kept moving. And, it hasn't always been my own will that's got me going. More than once it's been my wonderful Cupcake pulling me up out of the muck and getting me to start moving again. And, I thank her for that. She like's to say she's a flashlight for me, to help me find my way in the dark. I like to think of her more as a lighthouse, one that shines as bright as any star, and let's me see the world for miles and miles.

And, now I have a shovel to help that lighthouse. Lol. Poor analogy, but I think you get what I mean. I now have a weapon to use to beat that depression back. I have the truth to back me up.

The lie: Nobody cares about my blog/writing.

The truth:

Blogger- On average I get between 20 and 30 hits a day, with one official follower.

Fanfiction.net- One of my stories has 59 favorites, 107 alerts, is featured in 2 communities, and is just shy of 50,000 views.

Hubpages- I have 10 followers, and I haven't posted a Hub in the last three months or so.

People care. The proof is there, and I just need to be patient to get the numbers I want.

So, I'm going to take my Shovel o' Truth, and I'm going to go beat some depression/lie zombies to death. Later.

Ryan
4-23-14

My Cupcake

My topic for today was supposed to be skinwalkers, and while I have that post half written I think I’ll wait and post it tomorrow. I’ve got something else to talk about today. Something that I feel is quite inspirational.

Let me see if I can set the stage for it, so you can feel the same way about it.

I think off and on (a dangerous prospect) about what I’ve accomplished in my life and all the potential I feel has been wasted. When I think about these things I get quite morose, and one of the number one subject I think about is school.

I messed up in college. I really did. I know most of the blame for that falls at the feet of a diseased I will mention no further, but I still feel the fault is mine. I could have fought back and worked towards the potential I thought I had. Well, the potential I know I had. Don’t get me wrong, I accomplished a lot. I graduated, and I have a bachelor’s degree at my house waiting to be framed and put on the wall in my office. But, it wasn’t bachelor’s degree I wanted. It wasn’t any of the degrees I wanted.

And, that’s what I was thinking about last night. I was missing being in school, knowing I could do better, especially now with all the steps forward I’ve taken. I was thinking about the degree programs I could apply myself to now with the same discipline and energy I put towards keeping up with my daily goals. I thought of several.

I want an associate’s degree in forensic psychology and addiction counseling because of my interest in the field of psychology.

I want an associate’s degree in software and web design because my sister inspired me to go for that field. And, I made a promise to a friend that I would design a program that made a DM’s life a just a little easier. He’s gone now, but I’m going to keep that promise.

I want to finish all the bachelor’s programs I started. The history and English focuses in literature and writing. And, I want to get a bachelor’s in psychology for the same reason I want the associates.

There are even two master’s programs I want to go through. I want an MFA in creative writing, focusing in particular on writing novels. And, I want a master’s psychology, again, that’s because of the same reason I want the associate’s and the bachelor’s.

Those wants and desires right there require one thing above even the determination I could put into those programs. They require money, a literal mountain of money.

And, that kind of brings us around to the point I wanted to say about my cupcake. She came into my writing room and stood beside me and asked why I was down. I told her about the school thing and about how much it was cost, and she looked at me and said two words: Then Write.

Then write.

Like the answer was as plain as the nose on her face, so much was said in those two words; so many feelings that I don’t even know how to describe them, but she knew the answer as she always does. I doubted myself, and my ability to make a career out of writing. But, she doesn’t doubt it. And, I don’t think she ever has.

Then write.

Words really can the world, and now that mine’s been changed, I need to get to work.

Thank you Cupcake, for everything you’ve done and everything you will ever do for me. Thank you for being able to see that little flickering flame inside of me, and knowing exactly how to feed it. I will write, and I will make you proud of me, and that one thing is what will make me happiest in this world. I love you.

Ryan

4-3-14

To Crochet

Yes, Minnie is going to pick up a new hobbie that has absolutely nothing to do with healing the other party members, or tending to Jacob. Her first project is to make an axe cozy to keep Axe’s axe blade nice and warm… and yeah, that’s not going to happen. I felt the need to get the game reference out of the blog post early. Other than that, I don’t expect this topic will touch on the game at all. And, instead of me asking Cupcake for a topic I came up with one all by myself.

dreamstime.com

To crochet, the act of crocheting, using a hook like needle to fold threads of yarn (or any string like material) into a desirable pattern to make a useful garment. Or something along those lines. I don’t know what the text book definition of crochet is, and it would be atypical of me to actually go and look it up. I rather enjoy winging it, and hoping everything comes out ok on the other side.

I’m not even sure, really, whether this post is going to be about crocheting. It just seemed like a good place to start as I was crocheting when I thought of it. And, crocheting is a really, kind of, fascinating craft. You can do a great many practical things with it, blankets, scarves, sweaters, hats, socks, hell you could probably crochet a pair of pants if you really wanted too, but sometimes the end result doesn’t matter.

Let’s look at it as if it were a journey. The destination isn’t the only important thing about the journey. I mean, hell, life is a journey and its destination is death. It’s what comes between those two points that really matters. The memories, the triumphs, and failures, all of that is one brick in the road our journey takes us along.

Now, how is crocheting like that? Isn’t crocheting a pretty mindless repetitive task? In a way, I guess it is, but breathing is also a mindless repetitive task. Buddhist monks use breathing, specifically control of their breathing, to enter into a meditative state, one where the physical does not matter and the mental is all that’s left. Crocheting, for me anyway, does the same thing. The simple act of concentrating on those mindless repetitive motions allows my mind to soar free of its mental confines and stressors. I’m free when I’m working that little hook back and forth, free in even a way that writing can’t replicate.

I think I’m starting to stumble over my words.

I feel bigger, and more at peace with the world around me when I crochet. Working the threads is sort of like being the hand of fate, creating all the twists and turns a person’s life is going to go through. Maybe it gives me a sense of control over my own life.

Maybe.

And, even in the places where I feel like I have the most control over my life, things get chaotic and out of hand. I imagine it’s a knot the hand of fate has run into, and he’s having to work the yarn a little harder to get it exactly the way he wants it.

This is where I’m going to stop, too. I don’t think I’d be happy if I kept on writing. It was taking a depressing turn. SO, to cheer myself back up, I’m going to go watch My Little Pony and crochet a bit more. Maybe figure out what it is I’m actually working on.

http://doctorxfizzle.deviantart.com/

Ryan

2-20-14

Yarn

So, earlier today, I sat down to write my blog post. It was a post about yarn. Well, it was supposed to be a post about yarn. What it turned into is not something I want to go through again. So, we’ll go back to the original topic.

Yarn. What is it?

Google defines Yarn in two ways. First it says that yarn is a spun thread that is used in knitting, weaving, or sewing. And, second it describes yarn as a long or rambling implausible story. I agree with both statements.

In a way, I’ve been obsessed with yarn for the last few years. While I was still in college, (taking weaving classes at the time, I believe) I came up with the idea of working with yarn professionally. Basically running my own little internet store, where people could come and commission different types of yarn based products (so long as they didn’t involve knitting) and I would satisfy that commission to the best of my ability. I’m actually rather good at crocheting, and I can weave some… though it’s been a long time. And, it’s still something I think about doing.

Just a fun little on the side business where I make blue and black scarves for Mingo Central’s football games for just a tiny bit of profit. Or do a series of blankets/afghans/something big and sell them on ebay or what not. But, I’ve never done that. I think it’s because I’m not that dedicated to the idea of the yarn business. It’s just not something I see putting my whole life into.

But, in a way it is.

I want to write stories for a living. I want to look into my dreams and show the people the magic that hides right behind the clouds on the bright sunshiny day. I want to show them the terror in the bent broken tree with its shadow crawling across the courtyard… getting ever closer to your shoe… I wonder what would happen… (I just got chills. lol) And, now I want to keep going with that idea. Lol.

I want to write yarns. I want my stories, as improbable as they might be, I want to see them spread far and wide. I do want to dedicate my life to yarn. And, I guess today is as good a day as any to do it.

For the last 8 years my New Year’s Resolution has been the same thing. I want to get a book published. I want to get a book published. I want to get a book published. I’m going to stop wanting this year. I’m going to stop failing at that one little resolution. I’m going to be a published author by the end of 2014 if it kills me. I might not be making my money living off of what I write, but I’ll be damned if I’m not going to supplement my income in just that fashion.

And, this still isn’t the fun, lighthearted post I wanted it to be. It’s serious, and it’s one of those breaking point moments. They’ve come this far and no farther, and all that hubbub. (I think that’s from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers… it might also be 300… not sure which.) The point I’m trying to make though, is that I am admitting I have a problem. I am not a published author. I want to be a published author. And, today is the day where I finally dedicate myself towards pushing for that goal. Today I shall stand in front of the great beast and cry YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!

I hope some of Mel’s students are reading this. Because that’s exactly what she says about you :P Lol. Just kidding. She loves ya just as much as she loves me… and that’s saying something because I go out of my way to annoy the crap out of her.

My brain got lost somewhere in there. But, yes. This is a public declaration of my goals. My goal for the year of 2014, become a published author. I would like to say that’s my goal for the next three months, but I think it’s going to take a wee bit longer than that to get my book ready to go. So, I’ll start work on it as soon as I get off work tomorrow, and you’ll get a daily update of when it’s going to be ready. J

And… now I have to remind you that I’m also writing a D&D adventure, and that might take some precedence, since the group expects me to have new stuff for them to do every week. But, I will dedicate some of my time to my novel. I promise.

On that note, I’m going to say anywho, because I don’t think I used it anywhere else in the post, and I’m going to let you all go for the day.

Later kids.

Ryan

1-25-14

Darth Vader vs. The Silence

So, I’ve had a depressing day, and instead of talking about that I’m going to talk about the thing mentioned above. Yes, I didn’t want to write about being depressed and that’s the first topic that Melanie suggested. She made other suggestions, but that’s the one that got lodged in my mind, and thus is going to be today’s topic.

Now, I’m a big Doctor Who fan, but not to the extent that I’ve watched every episode ever televised. In fact I’ve seen very little about the Eleventh Doctor and The Silence were one of his major villains. I saw the 2013 Christmas Special (The Time of the Doctor…and there will be a post about that at a later date.) in which they were featured as an ally of the Doctor in his fight to keep the time war from starting for a second time, but that’s a little off topic.

Anyway, what I know about the Silence is pretty simple. They’re manipulative aliens with psychic abilities (who remind me of Mind Flayers from Dungeons and Dragons) with an even better ability. They have the power to make a person forget they ever saw the Silence as soon as they look away from the alien. It’s a killer ability, but I don’t think it would be enough to topple Vader.

What I know about Darth Vader is a little bit more intensive, lol. He’s a Dark Lord of the Sith with all the rights and responsibilities therein. He can manipulate the force, bending its will to his own and making it into a weapon to use against those who oppose him. Obi-wan Kenobi comment once that Darth Vader was more machine then man and it was Obi-wan who saw to that on the volcanic planet of Mustafar.

I did have a question for Melanie though. Which version of Vader would the Silence be facing off with. By that I meant were they going to be facing the Darth Vader coming out of Revenge of the Sith, or the Darth Vader going into Return of the Jedi. Revenge of the Sith Vader is still a hotheaded child, locked in a deep depression, with no real focus as to what was going on in the world around him. He was also just beginning to get used to his new body and the lack of mobility the life saving machinery created. Return of the Jedi Vader was the penultimate Sith lord. He was seasoned in the ways of the Force and the world, and had had two or more apprentices in the thirty years between Revenge and Jedi. He had become a master of his own maneuverability and was prepared to do anything and everything necessary to win. Facing off with that Vader would just be stupid.

But, Melanie said she wanted the Vader coming straight out of Revenge. So, we’ve got a manipulative violent man-child (comes really close to being exactly like the Doctor during his fight with the Silence) that’s not paying much attention to anything, except for his own sorrow. And, we’ve got a multitude of the Silence itching for a chance to put Vader in his place.

But…

But… the Force surrounds and binds all things… all living things. The Silence are as much a part of the Force as Vader is, and through the Force Vader would detect he Silence without forgetting about them.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t think the Silence stand much of a chance against Vader’s lightsaber. It’s just a little bit more dangerous than the Doctors sonic screwdriver… just a little.

I picked Vader, but who would you pick?

Darth Vader versus the Silence: who would win? Let me know in the comments below.

Ryan