Journal 5-18-13

Things to do.

Well ladies and gentlemen we have reached the end of a new day. A day that has been the dawn for a trio of habits, rather, things I plan on making habits out of. One of them is a habit already, sort of.

The first of this list… walking.

Yep, still doing it.

I took a week off due to the pain in my hip, which has more or less gone away now, and I’ve returned to it. I was afraid I was going to allow myself to find an excuse not to go. It was too easy for me this last week, just letting it go by. Though, I actually thought about walking every day, and when it was time to go back I picked it right up, like it was a natural part of me. I guess that’s the point of it being a habit. Something that happens automatically. And, that sort of brings me to my next habit.

I’ve had problems, for the last several years, with personal hygiene. It’s a struggle I’ve faced every day, and failed on more than I want to say. That’s what I was talking about being really personal the other day (I realized that trying to hide it for too long would make it seem more and more like sexual euphemisms, and, while I am embarrassed by this admission, I’m not a particularly modest person and I’d feel like I was lying by hiding it). So, personal hygiene is second on the list of habit building. I will be taking care of personal hygiene every day right after my walk.

Then the third… well, you’re looking at the third. I think I’ve said that before. But, yes, the third thing on the list is blogging. Like my walk, and my personal hygiene, my blog will be written every day as soon as I finish with the other two tasks. I try to walk around six o’clock, so the blog post might not cover everything I’d managed to get done in that twenty four hour period, but I’ll be fine talking about the rest of it on the next day’s post.

Like last night… well, I really didn’t do anything after my blog last night. Except snore. There was a lot of that. Not enough. But, still a lot.

I also had a really shitty morning. And, I was really moody up until my walk. But, yeah…

So, you all know I have some anxiety problems, and have been to the doctor a time or two about said problems, and I try my best to avoid situations that would lead to a massive complication with my anxiety problems. Work isn’t always the best way to avoid anxiety.

I went in, and there was this guy who’s relatively new and he was running the grill. I’ve ran the grill every day, every day, every day, EVERY DAY since I was hired. And, when I got there they didn’t put me on the grill. Instead they had me do prep for changeover. I was okay with that, I’ve done prep before, I don’t mind it, and it’s a nice and calm activity. So, I did prep. Then when it got time to do changeover, I figured I’d get put on the grill… I wasn’t. Instead I was told to walk him through changeover on the grill, while I prepped the table.

Ok.

I did that, walked him through it, got my job done ten minutes till, and stood there and watched while he finished on the grill. Kid didn’t know what the fuck he was doing.

Anyway, we get done with changeover, and I figure they’ll put me back on the grill now. I know how to run it, and have been running it—I feel like I’m repeating myself—every day since the day I was hired. I was the more experienced grill person. No, they put me on the table…

a.       I’ve had no more than ten minutes of training on the table.

b.      It creeps me out to mess with other people’s food.

c.       I’ve had no more than ten minutes of training on the table.

So, there I am, not knowing what I’m supposed to be doing, trying to make sandwiches. I was doing my best, and that’s not very fast. The orders were piling up beside me. The runners were bitching because I was slow. Then one of the managers started to tell me something else to do.

I couldn’t process all the shit. My mind went into overload, and I started to shutdown. By shutdown I mean having a panic attack. I stepped away from the table and grabbed my head. I calmed down for a minute, long enough to process what she wanted me to do. Then I went right back to having my panic attack while doing what I was asked.

I thought about asking to go home, but the manager in charge of the floor at the time was a total b***h, and would have asked me why. I would have told her I was sick. And, I guarantee she would have said: “Well, I don’t see anything wrong with you.” At which point my ability to control my mouth would have vanished, and I would not have a job right now. I would also have a pissed off wife.

Instead, I suffered through the panic attack, wondering when I was going to curl up in the corner, cover my ears, and rock back and forth going “la la laa la laa la.”

Now that I think about it that might have been a good tactic to get them to send me home. I’ll have to keep that in mind.

Anyway, yeah, that was my morning, and I’m sorry if my bitching put you to sleep. Unless you like sleeping. In that case, you’re welcome.

But, as for other progressive things, I’ve got a really good start on a new Hub. It’s a continuation of the snowflake series about Star Trek: Assimilation Nation. And, when I get done with that I’m going to type some of The Black Hole’s Teeth. After that, I’ll probably go to bed, mainly because it will be close to one in the morning at that point.

Anywho, I’m going to check out now. Later taters.

Ryan