Negative Self Talk or How Things Get Better

This is going to be a Rated R blog post.

Just a fair warning. It's not going to be rated R because there's going to be gratuitous nudity or violence. It's going to be rated R because of the language used. And, how all of this makes me feel.

I was doing my walk earlier today and I realized something. It's something that's been staring me in the face for the last couple of months and, like the man who couldn't see the forest for the trees, I couldn't see it.

What is it?

I have firmly planted my head so far up my ass I can wear said ass as a hat.

Yes, yes I have. I haven't been posting my stats on Facebook. I haven't been writing a blog post. I haven't been keeping up with my day planner or with my dry erase board. It would take me an hour or two to find where on Facebook my lasts stats post was, and looking at my archive on my blog I haven't posted since May 23^rd. That's way more than a month ago, and it hurts to see that.

So, yeah, here comes some self deprecation.

I don't know what in God's name has gone on with me. I don't fucking know. I was doing so damn good. I mean really, looking at the same blog archive I posted just about every fucking day for FOUR months. FOUR months!!!!

Why in god's name did that stop?

Why?

And, that's not even the tip of the ice berg. I'd been posting my stats on Facebook for way longer than that. Hell, I started posting my stats back in October. Or maybe earlier than that. I'm not sure. I'd really have to dig to find out. I remember celebrating every couple of weeks because I'd made it another little milestone for getting my goals done. Now, I don't even know who that person was, or where they went.

That's what it's all about too. You see, back then I was making progress. I was moving forward. Every step I took, every day I walked and followed through with The Goal That Shall Not Be Named, every day I wrote a blog post, I felt like I was winning. I felt like I was moving forward. And, it hasn't been like that recently.

It hasn't been like that for almost two months now.

I've been regressing. I've come to the point where I do the walk and my goal each day because I feel like I “have” too. Not because I want too. I don't post my stats (and for the last few days I haven't even kept track of my stats), because that thing in me that was proud of them seems to have died. I could even take it so far as to say that I don't know where any of this is coming from. But, that would be a lie.

All of this has a name, all of what I've been going through recently, this regression, has a name. It's called negative self talk.

25 Labels In Your Negative Self-Talk
Evelyn

Everybody talks to themselves, don't deny it. There's no use in denying it. This self talk is the way we interpret the world and how our brains work out the details of every little thing.

Negative self talk is the inability to look at things logically... after a fashion.

“That person flipped me off as they drove by me. That must mean I'm a terrible person.”

“She's depressed because I couldn't make her smile.”

“I'm fat. I shouldn't be fat. I should be skinny. I've failed at life.”

Those are kind of out there examples, but that's pretty much right on the mark. I know I've thought some of those things at one point or another. And, I think I know what's happening with my goals each day.

“I can't walk today because I'm tired and I never have time.”

“I can't write a blog post today, because I didn't write one yesterday.”

“I can't post my stats because it's after 7.”

“I'm a terrible person because I don't have any drive to move forward.”

“I'm miserable, and that's all I'll ever be. I'll never be any better than a grunt worker at a fast food chain. That's what my life has come down too. I'm 28, I have a bachelor's degree, and I flip burgers for a living. I'm worthless.”

There's a trap in there too. You see, it's easy to be miserable. You don't have to put forth any effort at all to keep living in the drudgery you create by your own inactivity. And, then you look at people around you. People who are successful and enjoying their lives, and you hate them. You hate them because you think why are they happy and I'm not. What are they doing that I'm not? They're trying... They're trying to make their lives better. And, that's more work than any miserable person ever wants to do.

It's easy to be miserable.

I want to break that. I want to stop this negative self talk. I want to TRY again. I want to get out there and be proud of the three miles I walked today. I want to be proud that I've been keeping up with The Goal That Shall Not Be Named for almost a year now. I want to enjoy writing my blog posts, and I want to be happy. More than anything I want to be happy.

I know what I need to do to be happy. I need to try. I need to step out the door and kick my feet, get my ass moving forward. It's a long road from here to there, but it's not the destination that matters. It's the journey, it's the journey and it's the knowledge that you tried along the way. You TRIED to make it to the other end of the road. And, if you have that attitude... you WILL make it to the other end of the road. You WILL succeed, and you WILL be happy.

Phil Williams
Wiki Commons

I just need to start trying again.

I just need to start trying again.

So, here and now I make this proclamation:

TODAY, RIGHT NOW, I CHOOSE TO MOVE FORWARD. I CHOOSE TO STEP AWAY FROM THE BED OF MISERY I'VE MADE FOR MYSELF. TODAY, I CHOOSE TO MOVE FORWARD, AND THINGS WILL GET BETTER. THINGS WILL GET BETTER.

Relationships in Dungeons and Dragons Part 2

If you missed it, here’s a link to Part 1.

I should have finished writing this yesterday instead of waiting. I don’t mean writing it all and posting it on one post, I just mean write out both parts of the post. I mainly wish that because I don’t know what to do right now, or how I should continue on with the topic. In fact, it’s very tempting to pick another topic and just skip over the rest of this one.

I don’t know why.

I’m tired is probably a poor excuse since I’ve taken like three naps today. and, me sitting here and thinking of reasons as to why I don’t want to write on this topic is just stalling.

I’m going to write it.

So, get on with it.

Yesterday we talked about how a relationship might work between a PC and an NPC. Today, I wanted to talk about PC to PC interactions.

This is a lot more complex than the former, as the number of added variables is almost infinite. While the interaction with an NPC is mechanical, the interaction between PCs is very fluid it’s literally one person interacting with another. (God, I use the word interacting a lot in that paragraph.)

Now, don’t get me wrong, the same rules that govern a NPC’s actions apply to PC interactions. So, let’s go back to our rogue.

The rogue has blamed the royal vizier for the theft of the crown jewels and got the man sentenced to death while the rogue sells the jewels on the black market. But, the rogue’s friend and fellow adventurer, a paladin in service to Sol, questions the rogue about the jewels.

Not the image I wanted, but my drawing skills are kind of lame. Lol. So, yeah, totally not my art work.

The rules at this point would once again pit the rogue’s bluff skill against the paladin’s sense motive skill, plus any truth spells the paladin might have in effect. A d20 roll would be used to settle the matter, and if it was an NPC thing the d20 roll would be it.

However, we’re talking about people here, sitting around a table. The paladin and the rogue are sitting at the table, and the paladin’s player knows that the rogue stole the jewels and is now selling them. So, we run into an impasse.

What should happen is the players follow along with what the rolls gave them: if the paladin rolled higher a higher score than the rogue spills, if the rogue rolled higher the paladin will know about as much as the king did. And, in my experience this is what happens, thankfully.

The other thing that could happen is an argument that spills out of the game and into reality, with players using their out of game knowledge to choose how their characters act and react. This is called metagaming and this is often a negative thing that DMs hate.

It really ruins the fun of the game for everybody.

And, my brain is stopping there.

Ryan

4-8-2014

PS: There might be more to the topic, I just can’t think right now. So, yeah… don’t know where I’m going.

Relationships in Dungeons and Dragons Part 1

This is an interesting and vague topic for a blog post. And, I’m sure if I really wanted too, I could let this topic spill out across the blog until it was novel length. That’s how in depth one could get with this topic. It would work as both a psychological and sociological study and would be a beautiful topic when it comes to the development of fictional characters and worlds and how all of that works in tandem with the Dungeon Master’s world. And, I think I lost where I was going with this topic already.

I don't know these people, but yeah, that's pretty much what our gaming space looks like.

These people in the doctor’s office are giving me a headache. They’re talking to one another right over top of my head, and they’re across the room from one another. This is making me stabby… very very stabby.

I probably shouldn’t be talking about that in a public forum, but the absolute discourtesy these people are showing for those around them is disgusting.

Things are sort of quiet now. So, we can get back to the topic at hand. Any Dungeons and Dragons setting, even if it’s set in our modern world, is a fictional setting. All of the people that make up its populace are fictional (yes, even if Abraham Lincoln or some other historical figure is featured in it, they are fictional as well). This is because the world exists solely in the Dungeon Master’s mind and once or twice a week that world exists in the minds of his players. The relationships there are based on fictional events and fictional lives and… I don’t know where I’m going with this.

Either way… a relationship between a player character and an NPC is based on the way both act and react as well as the way the dice rolls. Say a rogue is trying to convince a king that he wasn’t responsible for the theft of the crown jewels, and even takes it so far as to blame the theft on somebody close to the king. This is a tense relationship moment (and would be one where it would be heavy on the roll-playing) and the result of the encounter would fall to the dice. The rogue’s bluff skill versus the king’s sense motive: they would roll a d20 and add their skill modifier to the roll and the highest would win. That’s a mechanical way of determining things.

Another way to see how that relationship works would be through pure role-playing. The rogue’s player would have to put on a convincing enough song and dance to get the king (the Dungeon Master) to go along with what the rogue is saying.

And, I'll blame this one on the royal vizier.

We actually had an incident like this in our last game session. A drow sorcerer was trying to convince a troop of drow soldiers that he was a priestess and that they should submit to him and let him and his friends pass. He had the bluff and disguise skill to pull it off, but he was kind of stuttering in the role-play. (The player’s new to D&D so I kind of expected it, though he did better than I did my first time trying to outwit somebody.) He didn’t pick up on the fact that drow women have no respect for males of any race, including their own. They’re a matriarchal society, and the priestesses are belligerent when it comes to ordering males around.

When he picked up on that it was kind of awesome. I enjoyed seeing that look of triumph on his face when the drow guards bowed before him and split the column in two to let him and the party pass.

Kneel before me in terror, infidel!!!

And, there’s more to cover than that, but I’ve reached the limit of what I feel is appropriate to put into a blog post. So, to be continued…

Ryan

4-7-14

Here's part two for your viewing pleasure.

Owls

I’m sitting here at work right now, wondering why I have to be stuck at work. I wonder why I’ve not succeeded yet, why I haven’t been published and am living the lifestyle of a fabulously wealthy author. I meant successful, not wealthy, but it will do. And, over the years I’ve come up with several answers to those questions. Some of the answers make sense, while others have come out of left field. The only thing they’ve all got in common is the fact that they’re not complimentary to the person asking the questions. In fact, I’m sure I would be beaten, severely, with a wet noodle should I write even one of those answers here. It’s best to just not do it. So, instead I’ll ask a question I can answer.

“Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?”

Mr. Owl takes the lollipop and licks it, “one, two, three,” and he bites through the rest, getting to the center of the tootsie roll pop.

So, why would the little boy in the commercial go and ask Mr. Owl for the answer? The answer to that is symbolism. The owl, with its regal bearing and luminescent eyes has been a symbol of wisdom for many, many years; centuries in fact, if I’m not mistaken. Like the wise old man on top of the mountain, the owl, and those who identify with the creature have been sought out for their wisdom and advice.

In my own experience, I feel that the owl is my spiritual guide (it’s either that or a squirrel), and I base this belief on the one time I’ve seen an owl.

The animal was standing in the road as I was driving along. There wasn’t roadkill beside it, it was just waiting and watching me come closer. It should have been blinded by my headlights, but it wasn’t. It looked past my headlights, and locked eyes with me. In that moment I felt stripped naked, bearing the whole of my soul out to this one creature. The truck continued on, but the owl took flight, spreading its great wings and rising up above the truck like an angel. I knew then that there was more to this world, more to this life, and this owl had been sent to me as a message to bring that home.

I try to keep that message in my mind every day. I try to bring the wisdom of that one owl to everyone else who reads my work. We are not alone in the universe, there are many other people in many other realities, and those focused on the arts are our glimpses into those realities.

Remember, the next time you’re reading a book. Those characters are real, their feelings and hopes and failures are real, and so long as you keep them in mind they will continue to be real.

And, to ruin all the nice poetic things I just said, I wonder what would have happened if the owl didn’t fly out of the way. Would it have been a satisfying crunch?

Ryan

3-21-14