Journal 5-30-13

Exciting…

Yeah, today wasn’t. Work sucked, even though I was only there for four hours. A corporate guy came in to inspect the store, so, the managers thought it would be a good idea to have every F**K*NG employee work. It was cramped, and I got claustrophobic. I wigged, and I tried to focus on my job, but everything around me was overloading me. The result, I got yelled at a couple of times.

Anyway, after the guy left, the managers were like “Shit, we’re not making enough money to support the people we have on the clock.” So, they sent half of us home. I was one of those people.

And, so far as I know, I didn’t get written up, and I still have a job. We’ll keep our fingers crossed on that one.

Other than that, I did get my Hub typed and posted. If you didn’t catch the link on my Facebook Page (which you should like if you haven’t already), I’ve got it for ya right now. A Review of Star Trek Online: Legacy of Romulus. It’s a simple title that says exactly what it’s about. Lol. I don’t know if I could make it any clearer than that.

In other news, I have the next Hub written, the one I plan on posting tomorrow, I just don’t have it typed yet. So, it might get typed, and it might not. Really pushing for the first option.

And, I’ve got one major thing I need to do. Things to do, you know, my walk, hygiene, and blogging, well I need to get better at controlling the way I go about it. I want it to work like this: take a walk, get back and deal with hygiene, write my blog and go on my marry way with the rest of the day. Doesn’t happen like that. Usually what happens is I come home from my walk, and I see my chair as soon as I get in the door. It’s a walmart bought chair, so it’s not exactly what I would call comfortable, but it is inviting. And, I’ll give in to the temptation of the chair and set down. And, from there I’ll get my computer. Then I’ll play STO and it will be 11 or 12 before I get in the shower and get this written. I’ve got to beat the temptation of the chair.

Well, we’ll see how that works out in the next few days.

I wish I had some other exciting news to give, but I really don’t. I worked on job applications for banks, got in touch with my references, and filled out the rest of my resume. Now, I just need to turn said applications in, and collect a few more, and a few more, and just get the bases covered real good. Maybe I’ll even work up a skills based resume, one that focuses on my creativity, and throw it up on monster, let everybody in a hundred or so mile radius know that I’m looking for creative work. Something like that any way.

Then there are other options. But, I’m about to start typing with my forehead, and you won’t be able to make much sense out of that.

Ciao.

Ryan

Journal 5-29-13

I did pretty good.

I’ve done pretty good today, and that’s on top of me feeling like I’ve had a really crappy day. I don’t have a particular reason for feeling like I’ve had a crappy day, I’ve just been negative. And, it kind of started yesterday. Like I was walking along and I stepped on a tack or something. Not something that’s painful, but just irritating enough to ruin your day, thinking that you should have paid attention to where you were walking, that you should have taken a different step, and… Holy crap, that’s a perfect metaphor for what’s going on with me.

Anyway, I’ve not really done anything productive today. Not really anything at all.

The closest I’ve come to productivity today has been taking care of my list of things to do done one right after the other. That’s why I said I did pretty good.

About being productive, it is only seven o’clock while I’m writing this, so it’s very very possible that I’ll get something productive done. Maybe I’ll type the Hub I wrote yesterday, and get that set to publish either later today or tomorrow. It’s not a continuation of my Star Trek Snowflake thing. I just wanted to write a review on Star Trek Online: Legacy of Romulus. I don’t really know how I feel about my first ever review type article. I don’t think I did a particularly good job with it, but I guess that’s up for you ladies and gentlemen to decide.

Anywho, if anything productive does happen today you’ll hear about it on my Facebook Page. Check it out, like it, and maybe I’ll be tempted to put some more content on it. Lol.

Later kids.

Ryan

Admission: 5-28-13

I did not post today. Well, I’ve posted now, but I mean I didn’t write a blog post last night to come out this morning at seven.

So, I’m admitting to that failing and another failure in particular. I don’t like admitting to them, but it’s better to admit to them now, face them, and not have them eating away at me later on.

The only thing I have to report about yesterday is the completion of another Hub. I’ve not typed it yet, so I don’t have a link yet. That might not happen till tomorrow.

I dunno.

Anywho, I’m going to get on with the writing of today’s blog post, and maybe do something productive with the rest of my day.

Ryan

Journal 5-27-13

Happy Birthday Erik, ya old fart.

Other than that, I guess I could go over a little of what went on today.

I worked. It sucked. But, not as bad as most days. Most days it’s kind of horrid.

On a happier note, I finished the first quarter of The Black Hole’s Teeth, and starting this Friday I shall resume publishing the chapters. You’ll be able to find them on ff.net and on devArt. This week also marks the end of In the Morning Light. The Epilogue comes out on Friday, and I expect that will be an exciting day for fanfictioners. As for posting In the Morning Light on devArt, it’s going to go the same way it has been. Me, putting each chapter up as the weeks roll on.

I also got some of The Black Hole’s Teeth typed today. Not much, a chapter and a half, but better than nothing if I am not mistaken.

As for other things, I set up a tentative publishing schedule for some Hubs. And, my fingers need to get moving, because it starts this week. Lol.

I wanted to get to Cold Lunch today, but I obviously didn’t want to get to it enough. I don’t want to force it, but I’m going to have too. I’m going to have to get past this…this whatever it is. Fear of one thing or another. I need to get away from that. I need to find the zen in my mind, that will take me to the completion of the novel, and get it onto the market.

Now, I’m going to finish up things to do by taking care of the hygiene thing, and getting the eff into bed.

Good night, ladies and gentlemen.

Ryan

Journal 5-26-13

Checking In.

Walk: Check.

Hygiene: Check.

Blog: In-progress

Alright ladies and gentlemen, how are you all doing today? Me? My day pretty much sucked.

I’ve had a migraine pretty much all day, and it’s been absolutely impossible trying to get anything to done. It sucks to work on the computer. (Sensitive to light.) It’s hard to see. (I’ve had instances of double vision.) And, I had to leave work early. (Dry-heaving over a trash can.) Yeah, it was really pleasant. I did come home from work and lay down with an ice pack. And, that helped. Other than that it’s been up and down all day long. I think when I go to bed (about fifteen minutes after I finish writing this) I’ll take the ice pack with me.

On a pleasant note, I did get a Hub typed and published today. Assimilation Nation: Cast and Crew is the title, and it’s the first part of step three of the Snowflake Process. I wound up running my mouth for far too long and felt the need to break the article up into several different pieces. I’m trying to get the others done, and I should have the next article up on HubPages by Wednesday. And, always remember to help the starving artist writing this blog by going to his Hubs and clicking on a few links. That’s probably better than me putting up a Donation widget.

And, finally, the reputation system on STO sucks. Lol. Well, the rewards system does to an extent. The old way you did it was find such and such pieces of borg/omega tech, and traded them for your ship or your character that would improve your performance in game. Well, now they have a marks system, and this is basically like using money. However, marks are only given for certain missions/quests, and the requirements for some of the items sucks. To get Borg Tech for your starship you have to have 450 Omega Marks, 14k Dilithium, and usually two other general commodities. Still, the first two suck, as Omega Marks and Dilithium are hard to come by. But, then again, if it was easy to get, then it wouldn’t be worth having.

Anywho, I’m going to shut up for the day.

Ciao.

Ryan

PS: Check out my Hubs. Help me quit McDonalds.

Admission: 5-25-13

I have to admit, I feel bad.

I didn't write a blog post yesterday, which is why I'm writing a short one now. I didn't write a blog post, and that means I didn't finish my things to do list yesterday. I did however take a walk, an abbreviated one, and I took care of my hygiene issues. But, no blog post.

On a lighter note. I almost finished the first quarter of The Black Hole's Teeth. I have maybe a page left before I'm finished. Then I'll type it, and start publishing it this coming Friday. Not that there aren't two chapters of it up already.

You should read them.

Then wait patiently for chapter three.

Anyway, I'm checking out for the day.

I will write a post for tomorrow.

Ryan

PS: Flea spray kills teeny tiny ants too. I was playing god, lol. Or marking myself as the most wanted ant terrorist in the world.

PPS: I managed to get my Romulan on STO to the Subcommander rank last night. Just thought I'd add that in, and pretend it was productive. Lol.

Journal 5-24-13

I had thought of something witty to say… then forgot it.

Other than that, success!!! I’ve managed to do everything before it got dark outside. Lol. I took my walk, but I didn’t get in the shower as soon as I got back. Instead I finished the article I’ve been working on for HubPages.

This article is starting to drive me mad. Lol.

I don’t know if you’ve been keeping up with me on HubPages (you really should check it out, and maybe click on a few ads while you’re there, lol), but I’ve been working on a series of articles based on the application of the Snowflake Method of outlining to a fanfiction I plan on writing in the near future (Star Trek: Assimilation Nation). I figured it would be a very simple series. There are 10 steps to the Snowflake Method, so I figured I’d be writing 10 articles about the process. The problem is, I’ve gone very in depth with it, and now that I’m working on step three (this step, as shown here) has multiple parts. And, I’ve gone in depth with them to the point where I’ve written one article for each part so far. I’ve only written the first two parts yet, so I’m not sure if the others are going to follow the same trend, or if I’m going to be able to compress them into one maybe two more posts.

I could get all analytical and what not, and discuss what I think is happening. But, I would rather wait until I’m done writing the series. My thoughts on what’s happening with it would make another great article. XD

Anywho, I’ve not written anything creative yet today. And, I’ve not typed anything, so there aren’t going to be any stats today either. I think I am going to try and finish the first quarter of The Black Hole’s Teeth tonight. I’ve only got about a page, page and a half before I’m done. Lol. I’ve just not had the motivation to write it.

Been too busy playing Star Trek Online.

And, I believe that’s going to cover it for the day.

Ryan

PS: If you remember what the witty thing I was going to use to open the blog post, please tell me. I can edit the post then, and open it the way I meant to. Lol.

Journal 5-23-13

Good News!!!

Yeah, I’m excited, because today is the first day I actually managed to do each of my important things right in a row. It makes me a wee bit happy. :D

Anyway, most of today sucked. I had to work, that was bad enough, and I was in just the worst mood and was ready to curl up into a ball hidden in the corner by about an hour into my shift. That was fun to get over.

Then, my car battery died. This wouldn’t have been bad if it hadn’t been…

Raining Sideways!!!

Yes, it was raining so hard, and the wind was so bad that it was coming in vertically. And that was when I got off work, when I had to jump my car. And, the first thing I had to do, before I could jump my car, was push it out of the parking spot it was in while it was raining SIDEWAYS!!!

Yeah…

Sorry about that. I had to complain a little bit.

Anywho, I got started and finished writing my next Hub. But, I didn’t finish step three of the Snowflake Method in the article. So, I’ll probably wait until I’ve got all of it ready to post then start posting them. Probably a day apart, like the first one on Monday, the second one on Wednesday, and so on and so forth. And, I’m not sure how many of these there are going to be for Step 3. So, it might be one week, and it might be two. But, yeah, that’s the plan there.

Next, I’m probably going to look for another site similar to HubPages. Another site that pays for advertisements and what not. Then if I’m doing good on HubPages over the next month or so, maybe get another one going, and see if that improves the cash flow. Then I also need to start my little audio book project or whatever it’s going to be on youtube, eventually.

And, that’s all for today folks.

Ryan

Stats:

Pages Written: There was no typing or writing today.

Pages Typed: So…

Pages Not Typed: There are no stats.

Word Count: But, I’m having fun. :D

Journal 5-22-13 pt. 2

Addendum.

So, I just realized I said I was going to include stats last night, and I completely forgot to attach them. Shows how long I’ve been gone from making myself publicly accountable. Lol.

Anywho, stats:

The Black Hole’s Teeth

Pages Written: 22

Pages Typed: 13

Pages Not Typed: 8

Word Count: 6,027

I can’t remember what else I included in the stats. Oh well. Getting on to other things.

Journal 5-22-13

Productivity.

That’s been me today. Lol. But, there’s a very important reason for that. STO has had a login queue all day, and thus, I’ve had a lot of time to use for other things besides game play.

So, I got my walk done. I did my hygiene thing. I’ve taken care of the laundry and the litter boxes, and now I’m writing my blog. It’s not even 8 o’clock yet. Lol.

I even managed to get two chapters of The Black Hole’s Teeth typed. So, I suppose I could actually title this Fanfiction Project Journal #11 The Black Hole’s Teeth. Or Fanfiction Project Journal The Black Hole’s Teeth #1. Basically what I’m saying is there’s going to be a little block of stats for today :)

Now, as for other things… I want to play Star Trek Online. T.T

I’m number 8802 at the time of this writing, and I’m bored.

I guess I’ll be typing some more of The Black Hole’s Teeth.

God, I feel really whiny.

Anywho, I’m going to finish this up and type some more of my fanfiction. Maybe even write my next Hub.

Ryan

Journal 5-21-13

STO overload.

So, Legacy of Romulus came out today. It was a pain in the ass to play, but it was awesome. Now there is no time for consciousness.

You should know that I did all my stuff today, even if this hardly counts as a blog post.

Now, here's a lovely wallpaper depicting the various fictional incarnations of the USS Enterprise.

You can download this lovely wallpaper from sto.perfectworld.com but I'm too lazy to upload the direct link, so... Yeah.

Gnite.

Ryan.

Journal 5-20-13

Ugh.

Migraine.

Considering the above, the blogs going to be rather short today.

I did my walk, my personal hygiene things, and I wrote a blog post. (Not much of one mind you.)

I did get my Hub typed, and published. Check out Star Trek: The Three-Act Structure, if you enjoy me blathering on about Star Trek and writing.

I also played too much STO, and didn’t do enough writing or typing.

And, that was my day. I’m going to go lay down with an ice pack, and try not to throw up.

Ryan

Journal 5-19-13

Day Two…

Day Two of the “Things To Do…” Project, and already our valiant captain has realized one thing that’s going to need some work.

This whole one right after the other thing.

Yeah, I took my walk at seven, and I didn’t get in the shower until almost midnight… that sure is one right after the other. Lol.

Anywho, today was marginally better than yesterday. I didn’t have a freak out working the table today, thought I was going too since new guy was at work today. But, it was cool. What did happen though, was all about mood swings.

You know how you can have a mood swing that is set off by the simplest thing. Like the sound of someone’s voice…

Well, I was in a really good mood this morning…

I’m going to leave it at that because what I have to say is not nice and would get vulgar in word choice. So, let’s just leave it at, there’s a kid at work that annoys me to the point where I can have a bad mood swing. One that lasted for two hours… and got worse every time he opened his mouth… I wanted to get violent…

And, yeah…

Anywho, let’s talk about writing. I got my Hub finished, and I should be posting it later today. I might type it, and wait a couple of days to post it. No real reason.

I also got started in the next scene on The Black Hole’s Teeth. Wasn’t much though, just a half a page really, while I was waiting for my sleep meds to kick in last night.

As for Cold Lunch, I’m starting to think I’m avoiding it, and for the life of me I can’t figure out why. I could think of some reasons though, if you wanted me to go into detail. Like maybe I think it’s safer to write the Hubs and fanfiction because I don’t believe my family’s welfare depends on it, and I can delude myself into believing that those things are going to help me when I do finally get Cold Lunch published… one day.

Yeah, negative thoughts again. Though, the Hubs, the blog, the fanfiction, all of that will help me when it comes time to get published, mainly because I’m working on building an audience through those sites, and I’ll use those sites as advertising space when it comes to getting my work into the hands of my audience.

As for advertising, I’ve also gone live-ish on Hub pages. I sat down and got all the crap set up so I could get paid through ad sharing and different programs about this and that. So, chances are, I’ll be including links to eBay and Amazon in my posts. You are more than welcome to click on these, and buy lots of items while you’re there. :D

And, I thought about activating Google Adsense here on Blogger, but I really don’t want to try and shove that much down anybody’s throat. Plus with the wide array of crap I write about here, they’d never know what sort of ads to put up. Lol.

To cut this short, I could go on with these little paragraphs about nothing for the rest of the night. But, I think I’m going to do some typing and go to bed. That will be the best idea.

Gnite.

Ryan

Journal 5-18-13

Things to do.

Well ladies and gentlemen we have reached the end of a new day. A day that has been the dawn for a trio of habits, rather, things I plan on making habits out of. One of them is a habit already, sort of.

The first of this list… walking.

Yep, still doing it.

I took a week off due to the pain in my hip, which has more or less gone away now, and I’ve returned to it. I was afraid I was going to allow myself to find an excuse not to go. It was too easy for me this last week, just letting it go by. Though, I actually thought about walking every day, and when it was time to go back I picked it right up, like it was a natural part of me. I guess that’s the point of it being a habit. Something that happens automatically. And, that sort of brings me to my next habit.

I’ve had problems, for the last several years, with personal hygiene. It’s a struggle I’ve faced every day, and failed on more than I want to say. That’s what I was talking about being really personal the other day (I realized that trying to hide it for too long would make it seem more and more like sexual euphemisms, and, while I am embarrassed by this admission, I’m not a particularly modest person and I’d feel like I was lying by hiding it). So, personal hygiene is second on the list of habit building. I will be taking care of personal hygiene every day right after my walk.

Then the third… well, you’re looking at the third. I think I’ve said that before. But, yes, the third thing on the list is blogging. Like my walk, and my personal hygiene, my blog will be written every day as soon as I finish with the other two tasks. I try to walk around six o’clock, so the blog post might not cover everything I’d managed to get done in that twenty four hour period, but I’ll be fine talking about the rest of it on the next day’s post.

Like last night… well, I really didn’t do anything after my blog last night. Except snore. There was a lot of that. Not enough. But, still a lot.

I also had a really shitty morning. And, I was really moody up until my walk. But, yeah…

So, you all know I have some anxiety problems, and have been to the doctor a time or two about said problems, and I try my best to avoid situations that would lead to a massive complication with my anxiety problems. Work isn’t always the best way to avoid anxiety.

I went in, and there was this guy who’s relatively new and he was running the grill. I’ve ran the grill every day, every day, every day, EVERY DAY since I was hired. And, when I got there they didn’t put me on the grill. Instead they had me do prep for changeover. I was okay with that, I’ve done prep before, I don’t mind it, and it’s a nice and calm activity. So, I did prep. Then when it got time to do changeover, I figured I’d get put on the grill… I wasn’t. Instead I was told to walk him through changeover on the grill, while I prepped the table.

Ok.

I did that, walked him through it, got my job done ten minutes till, and stood there and watched while he finished on the grill. Kid didn’t know what the fuck he was doing.

Anyway, we get done with changeover, and I figure they’ll put me back on the grill now. I know how to run it, and have been running it—I feel like I’m repeating myself—every day since the day I was hired. I was the more experienced grill person. No, they put me on the table…

a.       I’ve had no more than ten minutes of training on the table.

b.      It creeps me out to mess with other people’s food.

c.       I’ve had no more than ten minutes of training on the table.

So, there I am, not knowing what I’m supposed to be doing, trying to make sandwiches. I was doing my best, and that’s not very fast. The orders were piling up beside me. The runners were bitching because I was slow. Then one of the managers started to tell me something else to do.

I couldn’t process all the shit. My mind went into overload, and I started to shutdown. By shutdown I mean having a panic attack. I stepped away from the table and grabbed my head. I calmed down for a minute, long enough to process what she wanted me to do. Then I went right back to having my panic attack while doing what I was asked.

I thought about asking to go home, but the manager in charge of the floor at the time was a total b***h, and would have asked me why. I would have told her I was sick. And, I guarantee she would have said: “Well, I don’t see anything wrong with you.” At which point my ability to control my mouth would have vanished, and I would not have a job right now. I would also have a pissed off wife.

Instead, I suffered through the panic attack, wondering when I was going to curl up in the corner, cover my ears, and rock back and forth going “la la laa la laa la.”

Now that I think about it that might have been a good tactic to get them to send me home. I’ll have to keep that in mind.

Anyway, yeah, that was my morning, and I’m sorry if my bitching put you to sleep. Unless you like sleeping. In that case, you’re welcome.

But, as for other progressive things, I’ve got a really good start on a new Hub. It’s a continuation of the snowflake series about Star Trek: Assimilation Nation. And, when I get done with that I’m going to type some of The Black Hole’s Teeth. After that, I’ll probably go to bed, mainly because it will be close to one in the morning at that point.

Anywho, I’m going to check out now. Later taters.

Ryan

Journal 5-17-13

I didn’t…

I didn’t work on Cold Lunch today… It’s nobody’s fault but my own, and I’ll just have to do better tomorrow.

Anyway, what I did get done. I just posted Chapter 27 on In the Morning Light on FF.net, if you want to take a look. And, I posted Chapter 3 of the same story on DeviantArt. Yes, I’m posting them in both places. Trying to get twice the exposure or something like that. Lol.

I also meant to get some of the Raising Kain: Diseased God sample chapters up on DevArt for you to sink your teeth into. But, I forgot. Well, I mean I remembered. But, I’ve got like five/ten minutes to get this blog post written before my wife yanks my arm off and beats me to death with it. I really should be in bed you see.

So, in the spirit of keeping this short and sweet, I wrote a scene for The Black Hole’s Teeth. I have two scenes I need to type for the story. And, I’m not sure what else.

I’ve gotten a notebook specifically for my bitch fits. I keep it in the car, so I can lay into it while I’m at work. And, it will probably also wind up serving as a surrogate notebook when I forget my Hub notebook, or ff notebook, or insert whatever notebook in here. While I’m at work or in the car. I am going to have to get over the whole dislike of tearing paper out of notebooks, since I’m going to be tearing those pages out when I use it as a stand in for other notebooks.

I’m not sure if I’m running on all cylinders right now.

Joy.

I plan on going to see STAR TREK: INTO DARKNESS in the next two days. Either tomorrow, or Sunday. And, I will go alone if I have to. For me, this is the must see movie of the year.

Other than that, I’m not sure if I’ve got anything else to say.

So…

Goodnight.

Ryan

PS: I was going to say something… but I forgot what it was.

Cold Lunch Project Journal #40

The Undead Novel.

Alright kids, guess what!

Cold Lunch is back. And, it’s here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and it’s all out of bubble gum.

I’ve always wanted to use that line.

Anyway, as you can see, I’ve finally gotten my head on straight enough to get back to work on Cold Lunch. Now, I’m not working on the third quarter yet, simply meaning I haven’t started writing anything in it yet, but I am going through the second quarter and doing line edits and what not. And, though I said otherwise yesterday, I believe I’m going to put it on the market when I finish with this draft. I need to get some work out to the world at large.

I’ve got a third-ish of the quarter edited, and now it’s pretty much just a waiting game until I get to the end of the quarter. It’ll be a couple of days. I got up to Chapter 30, and the quarter covers Chapters 24-46, so I didn’t quite hit the third of the way mark. Now that I realize that, I think I’m going to go back and do two more Chapters. That will get me through to the third. Lol.

On another, probably less interesting note, I’ve not been walking this week. I got injured at work last Friday (one of the managers tried to drop a box on my head -.-), and was told to take it easy. Plus the walking was making my hip hurt worse. So, my streak is broken, but only for now. Starting Saturday, I’m back on the path, and I’m going to add two other things as well. Well, I’m going to try and add two other things. One of them is a little more personal than I’m willing to share here :P And, the other is this!

That’s right guys and girls. I’m going to try and make the blog a daily thing once again. It should be easy. Do the walk, the blog post, and my other task, one right after the other, and it will be just like walking out the door. Yay new habits. Lol.

Other than that, I think my new “hiatus” project is going to be a Star Trek fanfiction. Not the one I’m talking about over on HubPages. Nah, this one is The Black Hole’s Teeth, and as you can see from the fanfiction link, I’ve already published a few chapters.  So, if you like Star Trek, or if you like Star Wars, or if you like to see it when Star Trek kicks Star Wars’ ass, or maybe if you just like reading what I like, then you should stop by and see what’s up. Then follow it. Lol. (As a side note, like In the Morning Light, I’ll be posting this on deviatnArt as well. I’ll throw those links, and the FF.net links up on facebook, and my facebook page… which you should like if you haven’t already.)

Another thing I’m going to do is post some sample chapters on deviantArt. Probably just the first few chapters of each of the things I’ve written, and have typed so far. Well, maybe not the beginning chapters of all of them. Some of those chapters I really don’t like, and want to hide from the very face of the planet.

And, one final project that I’d like to talk about. I plan on taking the Star Trek fanfiction I’m writing, both the one mentioned above and the one mentioned on HubPages, and turning them into playable missions on Star Trek Online. So, if you’re a big nerd, come and play online with me :)

Ryan

PS: I also want to start my little audio book thing on Youtube soon. Not sure when that will happen. I guess you’ll just have to wait until the motivation hits me.

Peace out.

Journal 5-15-13

Decisions: AKA a huge pile of shit I don’t want to deal with.

Today has been a whirlwind. It might be because I haven’t slept since 9am yesterday morning. It might be because I’m generally unable to control my emotional level. Or it could be some other unforeseen force at work. I dunno. But, I do know that I’m really tired. Lol.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about doing a post like this for a while (two or three weeks, as an example of how fast I keep up with my mind), and since then I’ve kind of been digesting things, looking at the parts of my life that need to be looked at. The review wasn’t good.

Basically, the best thing in my life is and always will be my wife. Mel is the absolute best.

Other than her though, I’m not doing so hot.

I guess I could go with a long list of all the things that have gone wrong, but I’ll skip that. Well… I’ll give you the truncated version.

Degree: useless.

Job: sucks.

Career: nonexistent.

Publication: a far off dream.

Ambition: ?

(I’m probably going to get a tongue lashing about this post. Lol.)

But, yeah, there you go. What I see is wrong with me in one simple list.

And, now I should moan and complain about swirling around in a vast pit of despair. Rolling from one dead end job to another. Living between the mood swings and the obsessions. Just really letting myself soak in all the negative crap that I feel pours out of my ears and eyes and mouth. Yeah, I don’t think you want to listen to that. And, though it goes against how I’ve felt almost all day, I’m feeling kind of upbeat right now. (It might be the fact that I’m getting ready to go to bed.)

I feel the need to try and be positive. And, maybe give a thesis statement or something like that. I’m going to change my life by doing xyz. I’ll talk about all the different plans I have, and blah, blah, blah.

The problem with that is I don’t know how to change my life. I don’t know what path I need to walk down, and I can’t see the road signs. I don’t know what leads to what.

But, then, that’s life isn’t it. We all wander through the fog like that. There’s no instruction manual, no snowflake method to living a life. (And, I really don’t care what anybody says about that.) So, the best thing I can do, I guess, is look at the options and see what puts me where.

1.       Publication: I hate to say it, and to all the people who will disagree with me, but right now I feel like publishing a book is a shot in the dark. I’m halfway through the second draft of my longest and latest novel, and I’m not sure how it’s going to turn out. Calculating the word average from what I have now it’s going to be 20-30k longer than I planned on it being. And, that probably means another draft.

 Which means more time away from getting it on the market.

More time away from getting it published.

 And, so on and so forth.

So, depending on the gods of good fortune in getting a bestseller right off the bat is probably not a good idea. Not only that, but it puts undue stress on the author. I feel like I have to produce a bestseller, because this is the only thing I’m hanging my career on, the welfare of my family, and my ability to put food on the table.

Frankly, luck is a bad idea for that sort of situation.

2.       Going into business: Might sound silly, but I’ve thought about it over the years. Opening my own bookstore, or maybe running a lawn care business (a recent idea), but there’s several problems with that. I don’t have the funds. I don’t have the necessary skill set. I don’t know how to write a business plan. Nor do I know how to run a business. None of the details.

 I think I might, and when I think about my store or service it’s always a huge success. That’s like depending on luck though. Starting a business is hard. It’s uncertain. And, it takes a while to see anything come to fruition (two to six years from what I’ve read).

So, an option for the future, keeping my eye out to learn those necessary skills, and learn how to place value on an object I feel is invaluable or something like that. A future option is viable. A cure for the immediate situation? No. Probably a bad idea to dive into in the current state of things.

3.       School: I’m thinking about going back to school. And, I’m thinking of trying to teach school. Lol. These are actually things I’ve been thinking about for… well, since I got out of college.

The first problem is money.

The second problem is location.

The third problem is time.

The fourth problem… I can’t make up my mind.

Who knew?

There are options, a wealth of options, some might say.

Right now I’m thinking about trying to get into a certificate program or two to learn Medical Billing and Phlebotomy (both pay better than McDonalds, and well, any of the jobs I’ve had in the last five years). So, I’m looking at these programs, and it’s going to be about a year, year and a half before I finish. Not an immediate solution. It’s going to cost somewhere between 20 and 30 grand figuring in tuition and travel and a whole list of other things. Not sure where that money would come from. And, I’d have to drive to Pikeville and back, plus working, plus studying. The thought of the gas prices alone kills me. Yeah, dunno about that one.

I also want to get a Creative Writing MFA. This is accomplishable. I could do a low residency program so that most of my studies would be online and at home. But, a Creative Writing MFA isn’t a guaranteed ticket to publication and international bestsellerdom. That’s going back to shooting on that luck thing.

Then I could go for other masters through an online institution like University of Phoenix. This I could see being doable as well, except for the fact that the two options I’ve looked at are about as sure of a job thing as the MFA. I would like to study psychology, and I could. But their online program encompasses none of the practical and clinical experience. So… that would be almost impossible to find a job in. And, I thought about their education program, and nixed it the first time I talked to one of their reps. They don’t offer that program in West Virginia. Awesome huh?

And, one other problem with the masters. Money. A masters degree is expensive.

So, I’ve thought about skipping the going back to school thing altogether, and using the Transition to Teaching program offered by the West Virginia Board of Education. That one hits a rut too. I graduated from Concord with a 2.1 GPA, and the BOE requires, by law, a 2.5. Doesn’t sound so bad does it?

Well…

I managed to mess myself up so bad in school (through a serious set of circumstances I don’t want to relive in this post) that I’ve got more negative points than positive points. I talked to the registrar at Concord yesterday, and it would take 45 credit hours with a 4.0 GPA to raise mine to the 2.5 I’d need. Basically, if I take the certificate courses (about 48 credit hours) and aced them, I’d have the GPA I’d need to go through with Transition to Teaching.

Lots of fun there.

I was going to try to keep this positive but that went straight to hell. Didn’t it?

4.       Ambition: I don’t know where it went.

I wanted a lot out of life. In college I had a quadruple major, and it fell to pieces. I’ve tried to sell a novel before, and short stories, and I’ve seen nothing out of that. And, we’ve already talked about the business and school things.

It’s like I’m wading in this pool that I can’t get out of.

I’m stuck. And, I don’t know what to do to get out. (The whole point of this post.)

I want to do a lot of things. I want to sit at home and tip-tap the little keys on my keyboard, making up stories that would scare the pants off the strongest man in the world. I want to play video games all day long, and not have to worry about where the money is coming from. I want to feel better, both physically and emotionally. I want to be able to understand and coexist with what is wrong with me. And, I want to get rid of the stress all these decisions are bringing down on my head.

Realistic right?

But, I think I might have a plan. I just need to light a fire under my ass to get it going.

The internet is the ninth wonder of the world (right behind Andre the Giant), and it is filled with opportunity. One just has to be able to see that opportunity, and understand how to make it work to turn a little bit of a profit.

I can see that opportunity.

I can understand how to make it work.

I can whore myself and my work out. I can write blogs, a personal one like this, and then a couple on those sights that specialize in ad sharing or whatever it’s called. I can do the same on youtube, though since I’m not funny I’d probably have to stick to making homemade audio books. I can even self-publish some of my work for free through amazon, ibooks, and smashwords. I’d be able to set the prices to what I want, and use my blogs and other social media tools to sell them.

I can build an audience! And, that’s what I need. I need to get my work out there, to build an audience. To make myself look good to the companies I want to publish my books.

I understand all of this.

But, I’m lacking something.

Follow through.

As you can no doubt tell my blog has become something that is infrequently updated. Insert another example here. I just don’t know why. But, I’m trying to work through it. I’m trying to build good habits. Walking. Writing everyday no matter what it’s about. Meditation and the study of Zen Buddhism to clear all the clutter out of my brain. These are the habits I want to establish.

But…

It’s just like with school.

And, with the businesses.

None of it’s an immediate solution. Everything I talked about takes time, and I feel like I don’t have the time. I need it now, because I feel like I’m detracting from the quality of life my wife should have. That’s why it’s hard for me to make these decisions. I can’t see which one is going to be the fastest route to success. So, what I really need to decide to do is understand that there are no immediate solutions. I need to understand that these things take time, and I have to be willing to give it that time.

Mel tells me to live one day at a time. And, I like to make a joke about writing; you write a novel one word at a time. But, I’m not willing to allow that line of thought into my head.

My decision needs to be to let that idea in. I need to learn patients. I need to learn discipline. Thus the study of Zen Buddhism, and the habit building. The door has to be opened somehow.

Anywho, I’m going to bed. G’nite taters.

Ryan

Journal 5-2-13

I hate technology.

No, really, I absolutely despise it. I would like nothing more than to take my computer and pitch it right out the window. I know that’s how the OS got its name, but really, if I wouldn’t have to pay to replace the window I would gladly sacrifice it.

Is there a reason for this sudden violent hatred?

Yes. There is.

We all know that Youtube is a social networking site whether it intends to be or not. It’s like deviantArt, and HubPages. Blogger. They’re all equally as much social sites as they are artistic sites.

Well, since I’m trying to whore myself out, I was going to kind of make audiobooks, and post them on Youtube. Maybe make a little money off the advertising, and definitely try to sell them as mp3s on itunes and what not. Why? Because we all need a little bit more money. (Yes, that makes me sound like a hack, and I will gladly accept that term so long as I can start putting bread onto my family’s table with my writing instead of flipping burgers.)

However, I’m having a problem with this brilliant plan. The microphone on my computer has disappeared, or fried, or some fucking thing because I can’t record audio. I made three videos last night, trying to get it to work. Tried configuring my microphone for an hour or two, and it just didn’t work. It’s saying it’s not there. I downloaded the latest drivers for microphones on vista, I uninstalled and reinstalled the equipment… none of it worked.

T.T

And, beyond that particular shit storm, today just sucked. Lots of emotional problems, ranging all up and down the line. This crap is really irritating, and I’m sure it’s driving Mel insane. I know it’s already driven me insane.

And, if I can’t get this touch pad to stop reading it when I hit it with the heel of my hand while typing, I think I’m going to breakdown and cry…again. I’ve thought about trying to deactivate it, but the problem with that is, I wouldn’t have a mouse. Mel’s using my wireless because hers shit the bed, and I just don’t have the money (see above) to get another one.

Just like not having the money to get a headset to use the microphone on my Youtube videos.

Sigh.

I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up, and pony up the cash for one or the other. (Probably the mic.) And, pray that the income from everything I’m trying is going to be enough to cover the loss. Right now I’m doubting it.

So, I’m going to go to bed. If I dream about computers at all, I’m going to scream, and throw things, and cry for an hour or so.

Something like that.

Ryan

PS: If anybody has the money for it, I would really love an Alienware desktop, or something from CyberPC aimed at gaming.

Journal 5-1-13

I should be in bed right now.

I know that you’re probably sitting in a sun filled kitchen, drinking a cup of coffee, while you’re wrapped up in your favorite white fluffy robe. (Yeah, you wish. :) )  But, anyway, you’re reading this long after I sat down to write it. And, it seems that I should be in bed, because I can’t seem to get what I’m thinking through my fingers and into the computer. The connections just aren’t being made.

Anyway, I don’t remember if I’ve posted recently (I think the last time I did was when I started walking), and thus you guys probably don’t know the big news. I finished In the Morning Light. I’ve said that at least twelve times since I finished typing it two days ago. There are still about five posts left I think. Maybe four. I dunno. Anyway, there have also been some big changes since then. (Not really, but I like pretending.)

I made a facebook page for myself. I made a profile for my cat, Button. And, I made a community page setting her up as The Dark One. Another fallen angel, Lucifer’s second actually, who went to the Greek Underworld, whipped the shit out of Hades, and took over Tartarus, The Infernal Prison. Now, she’s disguised herself as a calico kitten, and is here to claim as many souls for her prison and her army. She intends to add to her territory. She wants Hell. And, if you know anything about my cat, you probably suspect that I’m telling the truth here.

I don’t know if I told you, but I now have a HubPages account as well. This is me trying to generate a little money from my writing, so you will find essays, and short shorts, and things that actually try to improve a person’s ability to write. You know, stuff that I wouldn’t post here; mainly because it would make sense to post those sorts of things here. Meh.

Then there’s DeviantArt. I created a profile there a while ago, and only recently have I started to use it. Tonight in fact. I posted a little photo tour of my writing room. I also realized that I could literally do everything else that I’m doing on devArt. In fact, I could repeat myself on devArt, but I don’t believe I’m going to do that. I might do it with the fanfiction, but that’s about it.

I also have a channel on youtube that I’ve decided to start using. I think I’m going to do that tomorrow. Haven’t decided what I’m going to do with it though. I’m thinking, probably read some of my short stories, maybe some of the trunk novels, and try to sell them as mp3s. Yeah, I’m kind of whoring myself out.

I’m also thinking about starting my own business, but I’m not sure how that one will go. I’ll tell you more about it the next time I post.

I had more to mention, but I really can’t remember what it was.

Oh, right, tomorrow I’ll be printing out the second quarter of Cold Lunch and doing the line editing on it. That should only take a couple of days, then I’ll be back to work on it. Slugging my way through the third quarter. I’ve been away from it for too long.

As one final note… I’m sexy and I know it.

Ryan