The Last Goodbye

I’ve got a new car now. A Ford Focus that I like a great deal more than I thought I was going too. I got it a few days ago, on Tuesday I believe it was, and I thought of a really good post for the blog that I meant to write… on Tuesday. It’s a bit late.

Anyway…

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my old car, on Tuesday I did anyway. Tuesday was the day it became real for me. I’d been without my Malibu for close to a month at that point, but I still hadn’t given in to the fact that I’d never drive it again. That I’d never even sit in it again. Tuesday it became real for me.

We were sitting in the dealership, waiting for the finance guy to fill out the paperwork, and I sat looking at the Focus. I could feel things falling into place then and a great depression washed up over me.

My car is gone… was the only thing I could think. My chest gave out and my lungs gave way and I almost cried right then. My car was gone, it had been smeared across a guardrail and it had already been sold for scrap. I would never sit in it again. I’d never drive it and listen to the nice little rumble the engine had. I’d never get to think about putting projector headlights on it, or a twin turbo, or dual exhaust. I’d never get to do a lot of things, thinking about my car again, and I cracked just a little, like I’m cracking right now writing about it.

I remember two or three days before we went to get the Focus. Mel and Erik were arguing about the Focus and the Eclipse (the Eclipse was the other car we were looking at, but it had a problem or two), and I came up with something off the wall. Something about getting a Silverado or an Avalanche, you know, something I couldn’t afford in the first place, let alone afford to gas up. One of them said “We’re being serious here.” and that hit me wrong. I snapped at that point and said something along the lines of “If we’re being serious here, I don’t want the Focus, I don’t want the Eclipse, I want My fucking car.”

That was the end of the argument. I stormed off to brood somewhere else, and they got really quiet, and I kept that attitude for the longest time. Even when we went to get the Focus I went with that attitude.

I didn’t want to like the Focus. I still don’t want to like the Focus, but I know I can’t turn the hands of time back. I can’t go back before I hit that guardrail to change my mind about what street I should take. I can’t go back in time to save my car. I’m short on DeLoreans, and the Tardis is in the shop. Yeah, I can’t go back.

It makes me want to cry.

But, I’m trying to like the Focus, and against all my attempts not to like it, I’ve found a lot I do like about it. It has a lot of features that the Malibu didn’t have. I know I was finding things to dislike when I first sat down in the Focus, but I’m overcoming that.

Maybe that’s a step forward.

I need to let go of the Malibu and embrace the Focus. I guess that could stand for a few things metaphorically. Stop living in the past. Accept change. Embrace the future. Stop looking back and start looking forward… I’ve had too many philosophy and literature classes.

Joy of joys.

Anywho, that’s enough depressing shit out of me.

Ryan