This is going to be a Rated R blog
post.
Just a fair warning. It's not going to
be rated R because there's going to be gratuitous nudity or violence.
It's going to be rated R because of the language used. And, how all
of this makes me feel.
I was doing my walk earlier today and I
realized something. It's something that's been staring me in the face
for the last couple of months and, like the man who couldn't see the
forest for the trees, I couldn't see it.
What is it?
I have firmly planted my head so far up
my ass I can wear said ass as a hat.
Yes, yes I have. I haven't been posting
my stats on Facebook. I haven't been writing a blog post. I haven't
been keeping up with my day planner or with my dry erase board. It
would take me an hour or two to find where on Facebook my lasts stats
post was, and looking at my archive on my blog I haven't posted since
May 23rd. That's way more than a month ago, and it hurts
to see that.
So, yeah, here comes some self
deprecation.
I don't know what in God's name has
gone on with me. I don't fucking know. I was doing so damn good. I
mean really, looking at the same blog archive I posted just about
every fucking day for FOUR months.
FOUR months!!!!
Why in
god's name did that stop?
Why?
And,
that's not even the tip of the ice berg. I'd been posting my stats on
Facebook for way longer than that. Hell, I started posting my stats
back in October. Or maybe earlier than that. I'm not sure. I'd really
have to dig to find out. I remember celebrating every couple of weeks
because I'd made it another little milestone for getting my goals
done. Now, I don't even know who that person was, or where they went.
That's
what it's all about too. You see, back then I was making progress. I
was moving forward. Every step I took, every day I walked and
followed through with The Goal That Shall Not Be Named, every day I
wrote a blog post, I felt like I was winning. I felt like I was
moving forward. And, it hasn't been like that recently.
It
hasn't been like that for almost two months now.
I've
been regressing. I've come to the point where I do the walk and my
goal each day because I feel like I “have” too. Not because I
want too. I don't post my stats (and for the last few days I haven't
even kept track of my stats), because that thing in me that was proud
of them seems to have died. I could even take it so far as to say
that I don't know where any of this is coming from. But, that would
be a lie.
All of
this has a name, all of what I've been going through recently, this
regression, has a name. It's called negative self talk.
 |
| 25 Labels In Your Negative Self-Talk Evelyn |
Everybody talks to themselves, don't deny it. There's no use in denying it. This self talk is the way we interpret the world and how our brains work out the details of every little thing.
Negative
self talk is the inability to look at things logically... after a
fashion.
“That
person flipped me off as they drove by me. That must mean I'm a
terrible person.”
“She's
depressed because I couldn't make her smile.”
“I'm
fat. I shouldn't be fat. I should be skinny. I've failed at life.”
Those
are kind of out there examples, but that's pretty much right on the
mark. I know I've thought some of those things at one point or
another. And, I think I know what's happening with my goals each day.
“I
can't walk today because I'm tired and I never have time.”
“I
can't write a blog post today, because I didn't write one yesterday.”
“I
can't post my stats because it's after 7.”
“I'm
a terrible person because I don't have any drive to move forward.”
“I'm
miserable, and that's all I'll ever be. I'll never be any better than
a grunt worker at a fast food chain. That's what my life has come
down too. I'm 28, I have a bachelor's degree, and I flip burgers for
a living. I'm worthless.”
There's
a trap in there too. You see, it's easy to be miserable. You don't
have to put forth any effort at all to keep living in the drudgery
you create by your own inactivity. And, then you look at people
around you. People who are successful and enjoying their lives, and
you hate them. You hate them because you think why are they happy and
I'm not. What are they doing that I'm not? They're trying... They're
trying to make their lives better. And, that's more work than any
miserable person ever wants to do.
It's
easy to be miserable.
I want
to break that. I want to stop this negative self talk. I want to TRY
again. I want to get out there and be proud of the three miles I
walked today. I want to be proud that I've been keeping up with The
Goal That Shall Not Be Named for almost a year now. I want to enjoy
writing my blog posts, and I want to be happy. More than anything I
want to be happy.
I know
what I need to do to be happy. I need to try. I need to step out the
door and kick my feet, get my ass moving forward. It's a long road
from here to there, but it's not the destination that matters. It's
the journey, it's the journey and it's the knowledge that you tried
along the way. You TRIED to make it to the other end of the road.
And, if you have that attitude... you WILL make it to the other end
of the road. You WILL succeed, and you WILL be happy.
 |
| Phil Williams Wiki Commons |
I just
need to start trying again.
I just
need to start trying again.
So,
here and now I make this proclamation:
TODAY, RIGHT NOW, I CHOOSE TO MOVE FORWARD. I CHOOSE TO STEP AWAY FROM THE BED OF MISERY I'VE MADE FOR MYSELF. TODAY, I CHOOSE TO MOVE FORWARD, AND THINGS WILL GET BETTER. THINGS WILL GET BETTER.
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