This is going to be a Rated R blog post.
Just a fair warning. It's not going to be rated R because there's going to be gratuitous nudity or violence. It's going to be rated R because of the language used. And, how all of this makes me feel.
I was doing my walk earlier today and I realized something. It's something that's been staring me in the face for the last couple of months and, like the man who couldn't see the forest for the trees, I couldn't see it.
What is it?
I have firmly planted my head so far up my ass I can wear said ass as a hat.
Yes, yes I have. I haven't been posting my stats on Facebook. I haven't been writing a blog post. I haven't been keeping up with my day planner or with my dry erase board. It would take me an hour or two to find where on Facebook my lasts stats post was, and looking at my archive on my blog I haven't posted since May 23rd. That's way more than a month ago, and it hurts to see that.
So, yeah, here comes some self deprecation.
I don't know what in God's name has gone on with me. I don't fucking know. I was doing so damn good. I mean really, looking at the same blog archive I posted just about every fucking day for FOUR months. FOUR months!!!!
Why in god's name did that stop?
And, that's not even the tip of the ice berg. I'd been posting my stats on Facebook for way longer than that. Hell, I started posting my stats back in October. Or maybe earlier than that. I'm not sure. I'd really have to dig to find out. I remember celebrating every couple of weeks because I'd made it another little milestone for getting my goals done. Now, I don't even know who that person was, or where they went.
That's what it's all about too. You see, back then I was making progress. I was moving forward. Every step I took, every day I walked and followed through with The Goal That Shall Not Be Named, every day I wrote a blog post, I felt like I was winning. I felt like I was moving forward. And, it hasn't been like that recently.
It hasn't been like that for almost two months now.
I've been regressing. I've come to the point where I do the walk and my goal each day because I feel like I “have” too. Not because I want too. I don't post my stats (and for the last few days I haven't even kept track of my stats), because that thing in me that was proud of them seems to have died. I could even take it so far as to say that I don't know where any of this is coming from. But, that would be a lie.
All of this has a name, all of what I've been going through recently, this regression, has a name. It's called negative self talk.
|25 Labels In Your Negative Self-Talk|
Everybody talks to themselves, don't deny it. There's no use in denying it. This self talk is the way we interpret the world and how our brains work out the details of every little thing.
Negative self talk is the inability to look at things logically... after a fashion.
“That person flipped me off as they drove by me. That must mean I'm a terrible person.”
“She's depressed because I couldn't make her smile.”
“I'm fat. I shouldn't be fat. I should be skinny. I've failed at life.”
Those are kind of out there examples, but that's pretty much right on the mark. I know I've thought some of those things at one point or another. And, I think I know what's happening with my goals each day.
“I can't walk today because I'm tired and I never have time.”
“I can't write a blog post today, because I didn't write one yesterday.”
“I can't post my stats because it's after 7.”
“I'm a terrible person because I don't have any drive to move forward.”
“I'm miserable, and that's all I'll ever be. I'll never be any better than a grunt worker at a fast food chain. That's what my life has come down too. I'm 28, I have a bachelor's degree, and I flip burgers for a living. I'm worthless.”
There's a trap in there too. You see, it's easy to be miserable. You don't have to put forth any effort at all to keep living in the drudgery you create by your own inactivity. And, then you look at people around you. People who are successful and enjoying their lives, and you hate them. You hate them because you think why are they happy and I'm not. What are they doing that I'm not? They're trying... They're trying to make their lives better. And, that's more work than any miserable person ever wants to do.
It's easy to be miserable.
I want to break that. I want to stop this negative self talk. I want to TRY again. I want to get out there and be proud of the three miles I walked today. I want to be proud that I've been keeping up with The Goal That Shall Not Be Named for almost a year now. I want to enjoy writing my blog posts, and I want to be happy. More than anything I want to be happy.
I know what I need to do to be happy. I need to try. I need to step out the door and kick my feet, get my ass moving forward. It's a long road from here to there, but it's not the destination that matters. It's the journey, it's the journey and it's the knowledge that you tried along the way. You TRIED to make it to the other end of the road. And, if you have that attitude... you WILL make it to the other end of the road. You WILL succeed, and you WILL be happy.
I just need to start trying again.
I just need to start trying again.
So, here and now I make this proclamation:
TODAY, RIGHT NOW, I CHOOSE TO MOVE FORWARD. I CHOOSE TO STEP AWAY FROM THE BED OF MISERY I'VE MADE FOR MYSELF. TODAY, I CHOOSE TO MOVE FORWARD, AND THINGS WILL GET BETTER. THINGS WILL GET BETTER.